TAKING CHANCES.

  Life is full of risks. Nothing is certain. Even if we decide to sit in a place and go nowhere. We can never tell what the outcome of the sitting is. However, one thing is certain, there are some things you just do not sit in your room and wait for. You do not expect to win a lottery by closing yourself off in your room. You still have to stand up and go purchase the lottery ticket. The journey from your room to the lottery office is a risk. What if a car knocks you down as you make your way across to the lottery office?
  We all take chances. Sometimes, we do not even realise we are taking a risk. We see some things as nothing. Opening up your heart and making a new friend, sharing your life and secrets is a risk. What if that friend turns on you? What if he is a villain? If you do not open up and make friends, you still are taking a risk. What if you need help from a friend and you have none?
  You are at a job you hate. You want another but you are scared. Do you know you are taking a risk on both counts? You remain in that unloved job and you miss out on the things you would have had differently. You quit the job; you are taking a chance on losing or not in the new one.
  You failed at one relationship. You decide not to have another. You end up an old maid. You decide to take another, you either succeed and find that person or you fail and keep searching. If we realise that we have nothing to lose because it is all chances, we would be bolder and take risks. We would be bolder in our decisions because they are all what ifs. We move on and on and dream that the risks we are taking are the right moves.
  We are always taking chances. Life is a game of chess. You move to win but you might lose. You stay and protect, you might be conquered in your solitary haven. So, do take your chances and move.
 Thank you for reading my random musing from the past. Cheers!

PUT YOU DOWN

  I don’t mean that physically. Of course I can’t do that because I never carried you up. I don’t know if you’ve ever met people who specialize in this, especially if they are friends. What then do I mean by put you down?
  Ijeoma had just got into the university. She meets another girl called Rose and they became fast friends. Everywhere Rose went, Ijeoma was never far away. They started having the same friends both guys and girls. Rose was always the life of the party. Ijeoma was the quiet seldom speaking friend. They decided to stay off- campus together. If Ijeoma’s friends came to the room, Rose always won them over. Soon, they’d come to the room to look for Rose, not Ijeoma. You would think, Rose must really be an awesome person and there must be something wrong with Ijeoma. What no one knew was that Rose was feeding on Ijeoma’s confidence. She’d broken her down so much that Ijeoma felt second place and that Rose was better. Rose could never be friends with someone like her or as popular as she was with people, she preferred people that she could put below her. You can liken it to the queen Bees we see in high school movies. If rose and Ijeoma have a quarrel, Rose puts the blame on Ijeoma and tells everyone that cares to listen that it was Ijeoma’s fault. Who do you think they’ll believe the popular girl they all love or the mousey friend that doesn’t talk and follows her around?
  You are still confused how Ijeoma was broken. Anytime she cooked, Rose would complain that’ no this doesn’t taste nice, let me show you how to do it. ‘
  Very soon Ijeoma believed she was a bad cook and Rose was better. She stopped cooking altogether, so no one ever tasted Ijeoma’s cooking when they visited. Ijeoma would dress up and Rose would tell her, ‘
Don’t wear that, your tummy is big or your hips are too big than accepted, your thighs are getting fat work on it, look at the way mine are.’  Sometimes Rose would even tell her;
What you are putting on is not good, it doesn’t fit you. Don’t wear that colour wear this. You have no dress sense, listen to me.’
‘Your face is too long, your eyes are too wide, it should be like mine. You shouldn’t have said that to Seun, you just don’t know how to talk to people. Leave me let me do the talking. That idea of yours is stupid, it won’t work I know believe me, someone close to me tried it before.’
  It went on and on. Ijeoma began to believe there was something wrong with her and Rose was perfect and better.  Ijeoma soon began to believe that she was privileged that Rose chose her out of everyone else to be her friend and confidant. The friendship was now a privilege on one side.  She couldn’t believe her luck to have someone so perfect that everyone likes as a friend. You are asking why she believed Rose. Well, isn’t it said that friends will always tell you the truth? To Ijeoma, Rose was her friend and would never lie to her. Ijeoma’s self confidence was shattered without her knowledge. She had no idea. She never did anything without putting it by Rose; Rose would never lie to her and was her best friend. You as an innocent bystander would see this too girls walking down the street and guess whose beauty and figure you would marvel at? You guessed right, Ijeoma. But Ijeoma never saw this. The signs were there all along but she never believed anyone but Rose. She turned a blind eye to everything until she travelled and lived temporarily with other girls. They all loved Ijeoma. They begged her to cook every time, even to teach them how to cook the way she did. They admired her figure and told her openly. She never believed them and was shocked that they loved her food, it was a battle within before she realised she could cook. You may think she learnt the cooking from Rose but these same girls have tasted Rose’s cooking and they tell Ijeoma that she is better. Slowly, the scales began to drop. Her confidence began to build. Do you think she realized what Rose had done and would keep Rose in her place? Such a structure takes effort to break. Even after the entire realisation, she’s still back with Rose and going through the putting down again.
  I hope you understand a little now what I mean by putting down in my own way. If you now try to look into the psychology of people who put others down, you’d find out that their confidence is suffering a worst blow than yours maybe from their family or a loved one they’ve been trying to please ,so they try to feel important and better by doing same to others. 
  I am not saying that if you are putting your leg into fire and a friend tells you that the person is putting you down. You can always tell who such people are. They know you look better, think better but they can’t have you knowing that. Believe me; you don’t need such people as friends because you will never amount to nothing. They will kill every idea and plan you have by painting it as rubbish even if they know it will make you bigger. Friends should see you as an equal. You bring something into the friendship and so do they. They should be the one to highlight your best qualities to you and to others. They should encourage you and help you attain your goals maybe by their support or insight. Beware of users that would use you to advance themselves and pull you down and make you feel inferior. It is true, where you are headed to can only be made or marred by the kind of friends you keep around you. They help you form an important assessment of yourself. Their impression of you builds an image in your mind that stays there for a long time. If you have the kind of friend Ijeoma has, you should let them go. Why do you think parents are particular about the kind of friends their children keep? Birds of a feather flock together, so look for your kind. No one is perfect, yes but you deserve friends that appreciate you and not depreciate you. The elders always say, ‘show me your friend and I will tell you who you are.’
  It just doesn't happen between mutual friends, It could be in a work environment, a marriage or an intimate relationship, they are everywhere amongst us. They're usually the chatty, supposedly good looking and have it together people. Just take your time and observe your environment, you might notice one or even that you are one. Cheers!

NO BRA DAY

  I woke up Tuesday morning, as I’m sure everyone does even before they hit the shower and after they pray (for those who do), I reached for my phone. Everywhere on Social media I was greeted with pictures and talks of it being a ‘NO BRA DAY’.

  It got me thinking. I understand the motive behind the day; to create awareness for breast cancer. What I kept thinking about, ok one of my many thoughts was ‘How does not putting on a bra help breast cancer?’

  Let’s look at this, I’m a dude, I see a lady with no bra on, will I think of breast cancer? Even a lady that sees another with no bra on won’t think of cancer. Some people on social media turned it into a sex game, some took pictures of themselves without their brassieres on and put it up as their profile pictures, some people turned it into a joke on breasts, shapes and sizes etc. Don’t all these defeat the purpose of this day?

  I’m supposed to go around braless reminding women who’ve had their breasts cut off due to breast cancer that they can’t do what I’m doing anymore?

  God forbid you lose a family member to breast cancer but if you have, this no bra day would seem stupid to you. How would this have helped prevent your family member from death?

  Cancer has no cure. For years millions and billions have gone into research for it. More money is still needed as the search for a cure continues. Yes you detect early, it gets taken out, you still have a high risk of it coming back.

  Ok, let me stop beating around the bush. I commend the efforts of whoever started the no bra day but has it helped create funds for research? Has it helped a breast cancer patient pay for treatment? It’s really expensive, believe me. Go into rural areas and see women with breast cancers and no money to pay for it.

  Ok, back to my questions; if you pass a local akara seller on the street with no bra on, will she understand the purpose? If you do it in a village, will they? If you do it, would it prevent that woman with early symptoms that’s running from one church to the other singing her enemies are after her from doing so and knowing what she has?

  It’s just me pondering in my mind as usual, instead of an ineffective and bastardised ‘No bra day’ in the name of breast cancer (Like we’d ask men to go without pants in the name of prostate cancer) why doesn’t it become ‘Donate to breast cancer day’. It’s clear what the purpose is for. It’s clear that it’s not for fun. It is for cancer.

  How do we get the money? There are charities dealing with breast cancer patients and research in every country round the world. Men and women can donate to these charities to help people in their communities. It can even be an online portal and you can donate through there. A dollar, just a dollar from people the world over will and can help with breast cancer research, help pay for a poor patient’s treatment, help with funds for seminars, ads, bills etc that can create awareness. Even if you can’t donate a farthing, be you man or woman, there are women around you, talk to one about breast cancer; it could be your colleague at work, the woman you buy food from at that buka around the corner or something. That way awareness is really created in the true sense of it.

  That’s what I think it should be ‘DONATE FOR BREAST CANCER DAY and not a no bra day. Cancer is real, prevention is great but we need to create awareness better and help with funds for the cure, which should be the goal, the cure. There are many talented researchers round the world, working day and night with practically no funding, searching for a cure.

  Ok, I end my pondering on the ‘NO BRA DAY’ here. Do tell someone about breast cancer, you don’t have to wait for a day when women walk around with nipples pointed through their outfits. Ok, I’m out for real this time. Cheers!

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LIE TO YOU

Lies! Those little fabrications that can push down a mighty wall. We have all seen lies destroy things that took years to build. Be it a friendship, marriage or company. It all comes tumbling down. Lies are the chink in the armour. The oil in the water. It can kill once it has been uttered. If you like say, ‘I take back the lie.’ The damage has been done. God was aware of this that is why He added it in the Ten Commandments He gave to Moses.
  You might think it is just a little twist to the truth. One thing about lies is they are like cancer, it spreads. Therefore, from one tiny lie it grows to a giant monster chain of lies. I remember the story about the feathers, a basket of feathers was let into the air. It went everywhere. Gathering them back became impossible. Lies are the same. A rumour is a lie. Any fabrication from the truth is a lie. We often lie to protect what people think about us, to gain respect. To save our face before others. Therefore, we lie to either protect what relationship we have with them, so either we lie about ourselves or we lie to them about themselves.
Imagine a little boy who loves the ‘superman ‘comic. His mum tells him he is better than superman is. What did he do? He decides one day to fly. He jumps out his window; arms outstretched and falls to his death. He believed his mother. He died. His mother wept and wept. Please, who killed this little boy?
  Lies can be destructive. Imagine a boy and a girl in a relationship. Girl always tells boy that she loves him. She has another boy she loves too. She does not know how to tell boy1 because she wants to spare his feelings and not hurt him. One-day boy1 discovers about boy2. He feels betrayed, so he takes a gun to himself, girl and boy2. So, who is at fault here? I am trying to tell you that lies bring serious consequences. It does not go away.
  We all think we lie just to other people, not true. We also lie to ourselves. In fact, the lies we tell ourselves are more. Please refer to the article ‘the woman beater’ in this blog to see an example of how a woman lied to herself. You know you are not good at something but you lie to yourself that you are and you are surprised that you do not get rich. You know a friend has been talking about you behind your back but you tell yourself that it is not possible. In the end, it is too late and you end up disgraced and betrayed. Same thing for a partner who is swinging but you tell yourself, they love you so it aint true. You are not happy where you are but you tell yourself and everyone around you that you are. In the end, you are depressed and have a mental breakdown.
  Lies seem little but they are not. They are mighty like David was to Goliath. Yes, the truth is bitter and lying seems much easier. The thing about the truth is that it always comes out. It can never hide. No matter how many years and the things you do to hide it. It will come out. Do tell the truth, even if it is painful. Do not hurt yourself and others with that lie. Yes, with the truth they might not speak to you for ages. It is better you stay true to yourself and who you are. There are people who would appreciate you that way. If you tell someone a truth about himself or herself and they shun you, with time they would be happy you did. Always listen to the little voice of truth in your head and never suppress it. Lies do not, have not and will never pay. So, tell the truth.

THE OTHER'S VIEW

 As humans we have various factors that shape our perception. It ranges from family background, environment, books read, things seen and experienced to our friends. In every topic, no matter how popular a particular view is, there is always a minority that disagrees with the popular view.

If everyone had the same views then we’d never have arguments and discussions as we all try to push our view as the right view.

  Yes, we humans love our views and to most their views are right. Arguments and discussions are a great way to learn and discover how people reason or what they think about things. 

Ok, I always love stories, so here’s a brief one;

               

Stella and Janet chew on their popcorn as they continue their gist about Tolu’s wedding. Immediately, Janet’s phone beeps. She takes a look at it and laughs.

‘Babe, na wetin na?’ Stella asks, curious.

Janet still laughing reads it out;

‘You and your man are walking down the street and a stranger taps your bum. Ladies what would you want your man to do? Fellas, what would you do?’

‘Oya na , Janet what do you want Femi to do?’

‘Defend me as my man, of course.’ Janet shouts excitedly.

‘As for me, I’ll definitely turn back and punch the guy.’ Stella says, mouth filled with popcorn.

‘Stella, what are you saying?  That’s what your man is for.’ Janet’s eyes nearly pop out in disbelief.

‘It’s more of a reflex action. I didn’t learn karate for nothing.’

Janet drops the popcorn in her hand back into the bowl slightly offended. ‘What then is your man there for? You have to wait for him to make a move first. If he doesn’t then you do.’

‘Like I said, I’ll punch him out of reflex.’

Janet adjusts on the seat. ‘That’s the problem with you. You’re a woman. Your man’s role is to protect you not yours.’

Stella looks at Janet confused. ‘That’s what I’d do. You’re Janet, I’m Stella.’

‘The way you reason is not good. So if you have a man in the house, you’ll go and carry your gen and put it on? Act like the woman that you are. That’s what any woman would do, let him defend her.’ Janet’s voice rose.

‘How’s that working out for them?’ Stella retorts.

‘Stella, why you taking it personal?’

‘Janet, it’s what I, Stella would do.’

‘It’s wrong!! Your reasoning is weird. It’s not good.’  Janet responds in full combatant mode.

  Ok, I’ll end it there.  It’s very easy for a discussion to turn from an exchange of views into a trial of character with; ‘That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard? ‘, ‘who reasons like this?’, ‘what planet are you from?’, ‘that’s the problem with you?’, ‘you need to change your reasoning.’ I could go on and on. It turns into disrespect of not just views but of the person with the views. Even if we’re certain that the person’s views are wrong and can be damaging to them, we can tell or show them without disrespecting them.

  We also forget that people have a choice of keeping their views to themselves but they made a decision to share it with us. That is enough reason not to disrespect them. If they didn’t share you wouldn’t know to put them on trial for it.

  Let me not even go into how some people who feel they are grand guardians of the Bible, Quran, society, etc talk to and treat those they feel are stepping outside what they feel is right. There are better ways of doing things, really.

  I know a dude that dropped a friend because every time a discussion came up, the friend made him feel like there was something wrong with him, he got tired. I don’t blame the guy. If you can’t air your views freely to friends who can you air them to?

  Be they friend, acquaintance, foe, you should treat their views how you’d like yours treated, no disrespect to self. Unless it’s your nine year old daughter telling you there’s nothing wrong with her having sex and getting an abortion. Lol! Cheers!