THE ANGER ISSUE Vol I

 
 
ANGER
ˈaŋgə/
Noun: anger; plural noun: angers
1.    1.
a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.

synonyms:    annoyance, vexation, exasperation, crossness, irritation, irritability, indignation, pique, displeasure, resentment.
rage, fury, wrath, outrage, temper, road rage, air rage, irascibility, ill temper, dyspepsia, spleen, ill humour, tetchiness, testiness, waspishness;
informal aggravation;
literary ire, choler, bile       
         
verb: anger; 3rd person present: angers; past tense: angered; past participle: angered; gerund or present participle: angering
1.    1.
fill (someone) with anger; provoke anger in.
 
 synonyms:    annoy, irritate, exasperate, irk, vex, put out, provoke, pique, gall, displease.   

   Anger! Anger!! Anger!!! It’s an emotion everyone hates. It’s accepted with mixed reactions but what everyone can agree to is that, it is an emotion to be avoided. It’s caused wars, led people to commit crimes, do evil things they are not meant to do, lash out verbally at others.
I have a nagging thought though; IS ANGER BAD?
  In the world today, let’s say you’re in a room and someone has an outburst; take your time to look around at other people’s expressions and remarks about the outburst. I bet you a million pounds you’d hear things like
 ‘ No self control’ ‘ Diva!’ ‘ She has an attitude.’ ‘She’s not matured ‘ No home training’ ‘ Attention seeker’.
 Ok, I could go on and on. I’m not using the female gender to signify anything; you could place a male in the above speeches. 
  Anger is the only form of madness, a brief one that most humans will ever experience. In that state you act irrationally., you do and say things that in a normal state of mind you would never do, you even reveal secrets that you would never reveal.
  Anger is a necessary evil if you ask me. It’s a pity that everyone looks down on people that get angry. They go on and on about how the person embarrassed them and themselves. In today’s world, everything is fake. Anger exists no more. If you attempt to get angry you are seen as immature, archaic, not cultured and all. Today’s life is a life of pretence. Even if someone stabs you in the back, turn around, face them with a smile and say thank you. When you are in the comfort of your room or alone, let loose. You swallow that bile and act like it didn’t matter to you. Just keep swallowing it.  If you like call it piss, peeve, steam, and mildly irritated or the verbs and nouns in the definition above’ they are all anger. It’s like saying it’s not a dog because it’s a Chihuahua and to you a dog should be huge. Today’s world is filled with so much fake smiles through anger that people let the anger fester in their hearts and minds like a sore. And like a sore, it will get worse.
  People in relationships, be it in a family, lovers, work can’t communicate anymore because this major ingredient given to us by God to let loose, get the steam off has been taken off and painted bad. (Yeah you can say it’s a bad gift from the devil. We are made in God’s image like they say and I’ve read plenty times in the Bible where he got angry) so instead of people releasing, what they feel that tears them apart inside in this form, they smile to their partners faces and tell them nothing is wrong. They can’t freely express themselves because they are scared of being judged or losing their partner.
This brings me to the next stage:
  There are different forms of Anger. The height is the tempest or blind temper. I am not referring to this form in this article. I am referring to the mild anger, the controlled one, the good one if you could call it that. Yeah you’re looking at me like can anger really be controlled and be good? Yes it can. The controlled anger to me is what I term as righteous anger. E.g., someone did something horrible to you, it hurt your feelings, they made you feel horrible, you open up your mouth though in an outburst of heightened emotions and tell them what they did and how it made you feel. You don’t insult them or try to make them feel bad by bringing up something they did in the past. You just state the present, without sugar or salt to it. Or you are in a certain place in your life and the anger of being in that place rises in you and pushes you to find a way out. Well, Nigerians need to use this form of anger if you ask me. They swallow and take everything handed to them by the rulers whilst they, the masses sit and smile singing ‘It’s in God’s hands.’
  There is absolutely nothing wrong in being angry. Anger can lead to change; it can bring about motivation, inspiration and a needed catalyst. It’s a God given emotion when used in the right way
  To me anger is releasing how you feel. The truth which they’d never tell you is that anger can be therapeutic for some people. We avoid speaking up in order not to tarnish how people perceive us. It’s been said that people who get angry have a low self esteem. That’s so not true. I respect people that can turn around and tell you, that thing you said or did I don’t like it. The person being addressed always sees it as anger. So there is good anger and bad anger, it all depends on what you say in that moment and what you do. A school of thought would tell you, when you are angry walk away from the room. Do you know released pent up emotions can be good for your body?
  You see and hear cases of people bearing grudges for years, which the person they bear the grudge for can’t even remember what happened and they never knew they did that or that the grudge bearer felt that way. It is a sore that has turned into a huge wound. Some, even suffer illness be it stroke or whatever because they carried their anger. They held it close and thought about it a lot. You see, unspoken emotions can kill you. They say anger is bad and one shouldn’t get angry. It’s like saying crying is bad and one shouldn’t cry ever. That’s just unnatural. If you’re like me, you hate to get angry but sometimes you can’t help but say your mind and then you get angry that you were angry, lol! But in the end, it’s off your chest and five minutes later, you’re smiling like nothing happened. Well, that’s until you get the speech and society conformation manual.  That was the younger me. Yeah, I just added a year.
  In my next article, I will continue the anger talk; about why anger isn’t bad, the effects of anger, how to reduce anger, use anger and every other thing anger. Cheers!

P.S: As like all other content in the blog, this article is based on my thoughts; it’s your prerogative to agree or disagree. Thank you!

                                                    

THE FAVOURITE JEANS THEORY

 I don’t know if you’ve ever had a piece of item you couldn’t do without. For me when I was younger it was a pair of Giorgio Armani jeans. I got it at a good price but who cared about that. I didn’t even care if it was a knockoff or the real deal. That jeans was the ish. It was snug, perfect and to top it all it was the right shade of blue. I had other pairs of jeans but they paled when it came to this one. Everything magically looked good with it. I wondered where this jeans had been my whole life. I swear down, everything went well with it. Every style of top, shirts, blouses, it was the perfect combination. I didn’t realise it but my brother did. He asked me one day’ is that the only jeans in your wardrobe?’ that’s a bizarre question because I had tons of jeans at that time. So I went into self defence but he came up with proof that I had worn the jeans yesterday, the day before that and practically every other day.
  I hadn’t realised I was doing that. Though I remember washing it in the afternoons and waiting patiently for it to dry, it was that bad but I didn’t notice. Every other jeans in my wardrobe had been usurped by the Queen’s new favourite. One day while taking her off. Yes it is a she. One day while taking her off/ Hmmmn that’s some years in prison, I’ll call it a he. One day while taking him off, I noticed a tiny hole; it was very tiny like a full stop. I overlooked it. Nothing was going to stop me from having him, not even a tiny hole. It was tiny after all. Days later while turning him over, I noticed the hole had gone past a full stop to a tiny hole. Nothing was going to stop me. I put him on with the thought that, no one was going to tell me to raise my legs up or spread them, so I was safe. Weeks passed, I realised the hole had given birth to other tiny holes. It was manageable. I made a mental note to fix it. You guessed right, I never did.  Days passed and the tiny holes had come together to form a map of holes but I wasn’t about to let go of him. Yes, that jeans is gone! I kept procrastinating until the hole became irreparable. I cried the day I had to put him down. LOL!
  We carry this same attitude into our relationships. You guys are in love, madly in love. Everything is perfect but there’s a little problem, it could be a little argument you both had or something your spouse wasn’t happy with or anything. Instead of addressing that issue that is still the size of a full stop, you tell yourself you’d do it later or it’s just a minor issue. It graduates into a tiny hole. The issue came up again but you guys are still in love, you feel nothing can go wrong. You let the issue go and tell yourself we’d discuss it another day. It’s not important. That’s how most relationships end. Whatever issue it was that ended it didn’t just materialize in a day.
  I call this the FAVOURITE JEANS THEORY. Your relationship goes the way of my Giorgio Armani jeans.  We have a habit, I think it’s necessary in being human because everyone, ok not everyone, most people do it.  An issue isn’t an issue until it is huge. We all wait till it grows before we address it, if the other person isn’t shouting or threatening to leave then it isn’t serious. So we avoid all confrontations and pretend all is happy. That relationship of yours shouldn’t and wouldn’t have ended if you hadn’t treated it like a favourite pair of jeans that you felt nothing could happen to. There are always signs. You can’t tell me you never saw it until it ended. Remember that thought in your head the day she complained, he complained then the next minute you guys were laughing, then you told yourself no need rocking the boat, it has passed. WRONG! Issues, problems, complaints or whatever term you want to use never pass. They go into remission like a cancer.  You think it’s gone forever and then WHAM! It’s got you and now it’s worse.
  So, if you are in a relationship now and you guys have a slight issue, believe me it’s better to thrash it out now. Don’t be scared to approach it with your partner. If you wait, months to come that same issue will end your relationship but now it’s a monster you can’t control anymore.  That you guys laughed and had a good time after it first crept up doesn’t mean it wouldn’t come back. It might not even be a shared issue. It might be a nagging thought in your head or that little voice is your Cricket speaking to you, pointing the truth out but you close your eyes.
  I’ll reiterate again; the issues you have, had or will have in your relationship were never given birth to as full grown monsters, they passed the stages of gestation, childhood then became the adult monster that wrecked your relationship.  Stop and talk through that issue now with your partner. It’s better sewn up when it’s a tiny full stop or get ready to kiss that perfect relationship goodbye when you least expect it. It grows overnight. Learn to communicate with your partner.
  Always remember the favourite jeans theory and deal with the issue now. I wish you a better, happy and fulfilled relationship with your partner in the month of love and always. HAPPY VALENTINE!
P.S: it mustn’t be Valentine, his/her birthday or Christmas before you treat your partner.
Cheers!

AISHA AND THE SNAKE

The water was cold. Aisha loved it. She and her friends ran out the water in a game of hide and seek. Their laughter filled the air. Aisha hid behind a rock. She closed her eyes and waited to be caught. She counted to fifty and opened them but there was no one.
‘I’m getting good at this game.’
She thought pleased with herself. She closed it again and listened. She heard nothing but the flow of water in the river and the birds chirping. Aisha ran to the stream, it was empty. Her friends were gone; the other children that were washing and swimming were gone too.
‘Halima! Amina!’
No one answered. Tears streamed down her face as she continued screaming their names.
Aisha woke up with a scream. She looked round the room. Her friends were really gone. Her mother had told her,
‘Aisha, you can’t play in the stream with your friends anymore. You are a woman now.’
She had wanted to tell her uwa, she was just nine years old. How could she be nine and be a woman like her.
Yesterday morning, uwa had dressed her in expensive beautiful lace. uwa said she looked like her.
Aisha tried not to think about the snake. The evil alhaji, uba said was her husband had put a long huge snake inside her. The pain had been unbearable. She had screamed for help but no one came. He had removed the snake and told her she was very sweet as he laughed.
She hated the snake. She brought out the dagger she found in the room. Her heart beat faster. She looked out the window, it was night. She heard the door handle turn. He had said he’d come again tonight. Aisha was ready. The snake must die!

CUTTING YOUR COAT

Edwin looked into his wallet, he only had ten thousand naira left, resolved, he took it out and paid the cashier. He knew he was going to drink garri for a while and pay lots of visits to people to see food to eat but this was the event of the year and he couldn’t show up in the black blazers he wore to church last week. He had a reputation to protect.
  Linda hasn’t paid her school fees. Her parents were broke and gave her just one thousand naira to use as pocket allowance for the semester until they could get more money. Her boyfriend asked her what she wanted for her birthday and she mentioned the latest Ipad and a Brazilian weave. The cost of the two was near four hundred thousand naira and she was so happy. Everyone would see her as an it girl. A very expensive one at that. It never occurred to her to gather this money, pay her fees and give the rest to her parents. She was a campus big girl and everyone must know that she was in town.
  Ade wanted to please Ruth. He knew that the Blackberry she said she wanted he didn’t have the money anywhere. He was a student like her and his parents were not rich. He withdrew all his life savings, borrowed money from his friends, sold his gold chain and his laptop and bought the phone for her. He just wanted to see her smile. After all as her boyfriend he should be able to take care of her and provide her with whatever she wants. That was what real men did and he was one.  He wanted her to be the envy of her friends. He didn’t want to lose her.
  Tina loved to sport her natural hair. She loved being quirky. She loved the huge glasses and the sneakers. She loved herself. She met Dammy and gave up the natural hair for Brazilian weaves, got the clingy dresses going, gave up her sneakers for heels. She knew he loved women with class. He’d commented once or twice about her hair and her style. She’d seen his eyes glow appreciatively at the girly girls that all looked alike and she changed to get him to stay. She wanted his love and if making that sacrifice to make him think her gorgeous and beautiful was it then it was worth it.
   Lisa’s new friends were organising a girl trip to Dubai. Lisa ran and borrowed money with a promise to pay back so she could fit in and not be looked down on by them.
  Insecurities make people cut a cloth to sew a dress that isn’t their size. You have to learn to accept yourself as you are and your situation. Love yourself. If you do then you’d know you don’t have to change what makes you happy because you don’t want to lose someone. You’d say hey if they don’t accept the fact that I’m not as rich as they are, as travelled as they are then maybe we shouldn’t be friends. If you are comfortable in your skin, you wouldn’t care that what you wore is different from others. You wouldn’t let trivial unimportant things get to you. There’s always someone out there that would accept your eccentricities. If that girl wants to leave you because you can’t afford the new expensive phone that she likes then let her go. There’s a girl out there that would sit down and chew kulikuli with you. If he tells you he’d leave you if you don’t sleep with him, raise your chin up and show him the door. It’s not by force to do. If you did all that under duress, became who you are not for someone else, they will never respect you and in time you will hate yourself because you are unhappy and you begin to resent them. You will find acceptance as you are with the right people. Someone will love you as you are. Creating illusions with what you are not, you only destroy yourself, the people you are trying to impress only talk about you for five minutes in a twenty four hours day.
  Confidence and true beauty comes from within when you let yourself shine free of restriction and fear. What you have and put on will only give you a minute false confidence. Your inner confidence stays on the outside for much longer even if you have rags on. It shows in your speech, the way you carry yourself, your smile, your eyes and your laughter. If you like wear the most expensive dress in the world. Your confidence span would last for just ten minutes.
  If your material is big, small, medium, it is yours and yours alone. Learn to cut your coat according to your cloth material. Be yourself. Cheers!