Sunday, July 21, 2013

The Mamaputt fiasco.





(Fiction)

The argument was heated.
'Mama puts’ no bad. Dem beta pass all dis fast foods where you de go chop plenty junk dem call oyibo food. Before you know am you don get diabetes abi oyibo disease'
Dayo was screaming on top of his voice.
I was at Bisi’s house. The whole crew was there; Bisi, Dayo, Ingrid, Emeka, Amina and Blaise. We all stayed in the same estate and we’ve been friends since childhood. We were in the parlor.
Blaise, took over the discussion
'that’s not true. Most of these mama puts’ are not hygienic, only God knows in what conditions they prepare those meals. The surroundings they sell them in are even worse….'
'Guy, siddon! You no know wetin you de talk' Emeka interrupted
'you de form butty, you no be African?' He asked in disgust
'If you have N200, you will enter a buka and eat to your satisfaction. You could buy 5 wraps of Amala with Ewedu soup, plenty meat and change will remain for a bottle of mineral. Use that same amount and enter Mr. Biggs na only one meat pie u go fit buy.'
We the girls were watching a movie and listening to them. I am not adverse to Mama puts’. There was a time I ate in them every day. I would buy N50 rice for lunch.
'You’re wrong' Blaise replied. Emeka’s eyes widened in amazement.
'Guy, I don’t know why we’re arguing with him. Let’s just prove him wrong,' Dayo said. He was still busy playing a game on his psp.
'Ok, let’s go to a mama put with N200 for each person then to Mr. Biggs with the same amount' he suggested.
Ingrid stood up 'people, I have to be on my way home. Gist me how it went down later'
we all hugged and she left. Trust me, I was ready for free lunch I did not have to prepare myself so, I asked, 'which mama put do you guys have in mind?'
Emeka, Mr know everywhere, came to the rescue.
'I know a good one. It is the most popular in the area. Everybody loves her food. I eat there every day'
Bisi started laughing 'what do you mean by you eat every day there. Are you joking?'
'No! Her food is the best. People come from all over to buy her food. Her joint is close to that Maroon pry school.'
I remembered the place. There was a crowd every time I passed there. You would even see people coming down from their cars to buy food. Sometimes I saw people dragging for plates and things like that. I am an ardent Nigerian movie fan. That kind buka, I no de chop for dere o!
'Ok guys, let’s go.' Dayo dropped his PSP.
We went outside and got into Dayo and Blaise cars’. Did I forget to mention that D was Bisi’s brother? Off we went to Madam Sheri’s buka. They say her food is as good of that of Sheraton hotel, so, people gave her the name.
It was evening and the crowd was growing. The buka was a small shanty made of corrugated iron. It had a "food is ready" sign near the door with the menu written on it. Madam Sheri was beautiful but plump. She had three other girls working with her. The guys went to place their orders. Emeka, picked up plates, came back and asked
'Ladies, what will you have?'
Amina and Bisi both said Rice and plantain, me, I opted for a bottle of mineral water. I de fear o, thanks to movies. He ran back to the queue. Next thing, a quarrel started.
'Bros, you no de for line before. Na so you wan chance other people. Go for back o! Just respect yourself.' A fine, well dressed guy with sun shades on told Emeka
'No, vex o, im de here before. Na me and am come.' Dayo answered him.
The guy accepted it and backed down. I kept looking at the guy because there was something familiar about him. Then it clicked. He was Maxi, one of the reigning musicians in the country. I could not believe my eyes. In a buka joint? I looked around and saw an actor and a popular actress.  I pointed them out to Amina and Bisi and they bursted into laughter.
'Na wa, even celebrities dey come this buka.' Bisi said as we laughed.
'Dis one na correct Sheraton. They’re lucky we don’t have serious paparazzi here like we have in the States.' Amina added. We bursted into another round of laughter. At the end of the line, another quarrel broke out that turned into a fight. One of the combatants was dressed in a suit. All because of this woman’s food. Na im be the ‘iya Basira’ Styl- Plus sing about o!
The guys came over to the table with the food. We gisted as they ate. Blaise, kept saying, “this is nice”. He asked me to taste it. I took a spoonful and did not see what was special about it. We all laughed at him when he almost ordered for second round.
Emeka asked him smiling, 'So, do you want to try out Mr. Biggs?'
'Nah! You are right. Cannot be this filled with the same money at Biggs. I concede, you win.'
We teased him some more as we drove home.
A few days later, I was walking down my street. I was listening to my I-pod and waving at some neighbours when I saw Blaise. He looked in a hurry.
'Blaise!' I called, he turned around and smiled. I caught up with him. Panting I asked, 'Where are you off to?'
'I’m off to Madam Sheri’s to have lunch.' he said excitedly.
'Why don’t you come over to my place for lunch? We have rice and plantain and my sister is preparing Egusi soup.'
'No, maybe next time.'
When he left. I was surprised. On a good day, Blaise would have invited himself over to my place for lunch. He stayed alone with his dad. I have not seen him the past few days. Na wa, dis na serious mata. It means he now eats every day there. In my mind, I remembered what Nigerian movies would say of such behaviour. I shook my head and continued home.
A month later, I was at Bisi’s crib. We were playing Ludo and talking about the ASUU strike that had kept us home for two months, when Amina rushed into the house.
'Have you guys heard?' she asked in excitement
'Heard what, Mina?' Bisi asked
'Spill the beans na' I added
'Remember that lady we went to her buka some weeks back?'
'Yeah, Madam Sheri, wetin do am?'
'She has been arrested by the police.'
We both stood up from the floor. 'Why?' 'What did she do?'
'Ok! I heard her neighbour’s husband died. Then their pastor decided to do a midnight prayer with the bereaved family. That night as they were praying, they heard someone scream. They went out and saw Madam Sher dressed in a white wrapper, carrying a calabash. To cut the story short, she confessed that she killed the man for rituals. She has been killing people for years. She uses their blood to cook her meals so people would always come back and her business would flourish. People almost killed her if not for the police.' She finished.
Bisi and I looked at ourselves. Dayo entered the parlour looking pale 'Please, tell me that was a movie you just narrated.'
“Nope, it’s not” Amina said with glee.
He ran into the toilet and started vomiting. Emeka and Blaise ran into the house. They were both carrying bottles of olive oil. They were gulping it rapidly. We started laughing at them. Blaise was furious.
'Emeka, you took me there. Jeez! How could you?' He gulped some more.
'Guy, how was I supposed to know she de wash put' He replied. We kept on laughing at them. Dis one na drama.
Since that day, Blaise never set foot in another buka. Emeka still goes but not to the ones with crowd. I am not saying mama puts’ are bad o! I love their affordability and dishes especially on days I do not feel like cooking. However, if you see one with lotsa crowd, people dragging for line and washing plates themselves, just think twice. Yeah, diabolical crap you might say. We love mama put in Lagos but do not forget this is Lagos, Nigeria, Africa!

Monday, July 1, 2013

Celebrating Nigeria’s First Female Cadets

 
 Since the establishment of the Nigerian Defence Academy in 1964, few changes have been as transformative as when in 2011 under the leadership of President Goodluck Jonathan, the Academy was directed to adjust its all-male-officer structure to include female regular combatants and give females equal opportunity in the Nigerian military. And for the first time in the history of the country, females were admitted into the academy.

  All over the world, through cultures and times, women have rarely been

Saturday, June 29, 2013

CASTLES IN THE AIR


  Boy meets girl, he asks her out and they start dating. Girl is beautiful, smart, and independent but she can’t help it, every time she looks at boy she sees her future there. She sees their kids, the home they’d have together. She sees them dressed for events, she sees them old together. It’s only been a month into the relationship and she has built forty years with him in her head already. Every scene has been

Friday, May 10, 2013

DUDES WHAT DO YOU WANT?

 
   You should have heard my friend, Jude, speak then. He would always go into lectures about how girls liked fronting unnecessarily. He said girls front for long and lose good men. He didn’t see the sense in it, that if you meet a guy you like and he likes you and is asking you out, what are you waiting for? Say yes before you miss out on him. The problem with girls is that they are not honest with themselves, they like stringing guys along. They’d now carry the great guys and put in the friend zone. If you see something you like, you should go for it. He’d now give you an example of a girl in his class, Ofure, whom his friend Lucas was interested in. Lucas tried hard to win Ofure over but Ofure acted uninterested. Everyone knew Lucas liked her but as the days turned into five months of trying to win Ofure, Lucas got tired. Luckily for Lucas, another girl

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

OTHER PEOPLE

You see that man and your heart skips. He treats you like a goddess. He goes out of his way for you but when it comes to people he has no reason to be kind to he becomes a monster. He treats the helps like slaves and you tell yourself, ‘it’s because they are just helps’. He treats his family badly and never keeps the promises he made to them and you tell yourself ‘well, maybe they did something to him.’ He never has a kind word to say about his colleagues from work, you see him smile at them before their faces and tears them down behind their backs; he even does same to his friends. You see it all as nothing because he treats you well. He has nothing good to say about his exes and lays the fault at their doors and you say,’ they must have really hurt him.’
  One day you run into an ex of his and without knowing who you are to him, tells you about their relationship,