The Mamaputt fiasco.

(Fiction)

The argument was heated.

'Mama puts’ no bad. Dem beta pass all dis fast foods where you de go chop plenty junk dem call oyibo food. Before you know am you don get diabetes abi oyibo disease'

Dayo was screaming on top of his voice.

I was at Bisi’s house. The whole crew was there; Bisi, Dayo, Ingrid, Emeka, Amina and Blaise. We all stayed in the same estate and we’ve been friends since childhood. We were in the parlor.

Blaise, took over the discussion

'that’s not true. Most of these mama puts’ are not hygienic, only God knows in what conditions they prepare those meals. The surroundings they sell them in are even worse….'

'Guy, siddon! You no know wetin you de talk' Emeka interrupted

'you de form butty, you no be African?' He asked in disgust

'If you have N200, you will enter a buka and eat to your satisfaction. You could buy 5 wraps of Amala with Ewedu soup, plenty meat and change will remain for a bottle of mineral. Use that same amount and enter Mr. Biggs na only one meat pie u go fit buy.'

We the girls were watching a movie and listening to them. I am not adverse to Mama puts’. There was a time I ate in them every day. I would buy N50 rice for lunch.

'You’re wrong' Blaise replied. Emeka’s eyes widened in amazement.

'Guy, I don’t know why we’re arguing with him. Let’s just prove him wrong,' Dayo said. He was still busy playing a game on his psp.

'Ok, let’s go to a mama put with N200 for each person then to Mr. Biggs with the same amount' he suggested.

Ingrid stood up 'people, I have to be on my way home. Gist me how it went down later'

we all hugged and she left. Trust me, I was ready for free lunch I did not have to prepare myself so, I asked, 'which mama put do you guys have in mind?'

Emeka, Mr know everywhere, came to the rescue.

'I know a good one. It is the most popular in the area. Everybody loves her food. I eat there every day'

Bisi started laughing 'what do you mean by you eat every day there. Are you joking?'

'No! Her food is the best. People come from all over to buy her food. Her joint is close to that Maroon pry school.'

I remembered the place. There was a crowd every time I passed there. You would even see people coming down from their cars to buy food. Sometimes I saw people dragging for plates and things like that. I am an ardent Nigerian movie fan. That kind buka, I no de chop for dere o!

'Ok guys, let’s go.' Dayo dropped his PSP.

We went outside and got into Dayo and Blaise cars’. Did I forget to mention that D was Bisi’s brother? Off we went to Madam Sheri’s buka. They say her food is as good of that of Sheraton hotel, so, people gave her the name.

It was evening and the crowd was growing. The buka was a small shanty made of corrugated iron. It had a "food is ready" sign near the door with the menu written on it. Madam Sheri was beautiful but plump. She had three other girls working with her. The guys went to place their orders. Emeka, picked up plates, came back and asked

'Ladies, what will you have?'

Amina and Bisi both said Rice and plantain, me, I opted for a bottle of mineral water. I de fear o, thanks to movies. He ran back to the queue. Next thing, a quarrel started.

'Bros, you no de for line before. Na so you wan chance other people. Go for back o! Just respect yourself.' A fine, well dressed guy with sun shades on told Emeka

'No, vex o, im de here before. Na me and am come.' Dayo answered him.

The guy accepted it and backed down. I kept looking at the guy because there was something familiar about him. Then it clicked. He was Maxi, one of the reigning musicians in the country. I could not believe my eyes. In a buka joint? I looked around and saw an actor and a popular actress.  I pointed them out to Amina and Bisi and they bursted into laughter.

'Na wa, even celebrities dey come this buka.' Bisi said as we laughed.

'Dis one na correct Sheraton. They’re lucky we don’t have serious paparazzi here like we have in the States.' Amina added. We bursted into another round of laughter. At the end of the line, another quarrel broke out that turned into a fight. One of the combatants was dressed in a suit. All because of this woman’s food. Na im be the ‘iya Basira’ Styl- Plus sing about o!

The guys came over to the table with the food. We gisted as they ate. Blaise, kept saying, “this is nice”. He asked me to taste it. I took a spoonful and did not see what was special about it. We all laughed at him when he almost ordered for second round.

Emeka asked him smiling, 'So, do you want to try out Mr. Biggs?'

'Nah! You are right. Cannot be this filled with the same money at Biggs. I concede, you win.'

We teased him some more as we drove home.

A few days later, I was walking down my street. I was listening to my I-pod and waving at some neighbours when I saw Blaise. He looked in a hurry.

'Blaise!' I called, he turned around and smiled. I caught up with him. Panting I asked, 'Where are you off to?'

'I’m off to Madam Sheri’s to have lunch.' he said excitedly.

'Why don’t you come over to my place for lunch? We have rice and plantain and my sister is preparing Egusi soup.'

'No, maybe next time.'

When he left. I was surprised. On a good day, Blaise would have invited himself over to my place for lunch. He stayed alone with his dad. I have not seen him the past few days. Na wa, dis na serious mata. It means he now eats every day there. In my mind, I remembered what Nigerian movies would say of such behaviour. I shook my head and continued home.

A month later, I was at Bisi’s crib. We were playing Ludo and talking about the ASUU strike that had kept us home for two months, when Amina rushed into the house.

'Have you guys heard?' she asked in excitement

'Heard what, Mina?' Bisi asked

'Spill the beans na' I added

'Remember that lady we went to her buka some weeks back?'

'Yeah, Madam Sheri, wetin do am?'

'She has been arrested by the police.'

We both stood up from the floor. 'Why?' 'What did she do?'

'Ok! I heard her neighbour’s husband died. Then their pastor decided to do a midnight prayer with the bereaved family. That night as they were praying, they heard someone scream. They went out and saw Madam Sher dressed in a white wrapper, carrying a calabash. To cut the story short, she confessed that she killed the man for rituals. She has been killing people for years. She uses their blood to cook her meals so people would always come back and her business would flourish. People almost killed her if not for the police.' She finished.

Bisi and I looked at ourselves. Dayo entered the parlour looking pale 'Please, tell me that was a movie you just narrated.'

“Nope, it’s not” Amina said with glee.

He ran into the toilet and started vomiting. Emeka and Blaise ran into the house. They were both carrying bottles of olive oil. They were gulping it rapidly. We started laughing at them. Blaise was furious.

'Emeka, you took me there. Jeez! How could you?' He gulped some more.

'Guy, how was I supposed to know she de wash put' He replied. We kept on laughing at them. Dis one na drama.

Since that day, Blaise never set foot in another buka. Emeka still goes but not to the ones with crowd. I am not saying mama puts’ are bad o! I love their affordability and dishes especially on days I do not feel like cooking. However, if you see one with lotsa crowd, people dragging for line and washing plates themselves, just think twice. Yeah, diabolical crap you might say. We love mama put in Lagos but do not forget this is Lagos, Nigeria, Africa!

Celebrating Nigeria’s First Female Cadets

 

 Since the establishment of the Nigerian Defence Academy in 1964, few changes have been as transformative as when in 2011 under the leadership of President Goodluck Jonathan, the Academy was directed to adjust its all-male-officer structure to include female regular combatants and give females equal opportunity in the Nigerian military. And for the first time in the history of the country, females were admitted into the academy.

  All over the world, through cultures and times, women have rarely been

CASTLES IN THE AIR

  Boy meets girl, he asks her out and they start dating. Girl is beautiful, smart, and independent but she can’t help it, every time she looks at boy she sees her future there. She sees their kids, the home they’d have together. She sees them dressed for events, she sees them old together. It’s only been a month into the relationship and she has built forty years with him in her head already. Every scene has been

DUDES WHAT DO YOU WANT?

 
   You should have heard my friend, Jude, speak then. He would always go into lectures about how girls liked fronting unnecessarily. He said girls front for long and lose good men. He didn’t see the sense in it, that if you meet a guy you like and he likes you and is asking you out, what are you waiting for? Say yes before you miss out on him. The problem with girls is that they are not honest with themselves, they like stringing guys along. They’d now carry the great guys and put in the friend zone. If you see something you like, you should go for it. He’d now give you an example of a girl in his class, Ofure, whom his friend Lucas was interested in. Lucas tried hard to win Ofure over but Ofure acted uninterested. Everyone knew Lucas liked her but as the days turned into five months of trying to win Ofure, Lucas got tired. Luckily for Lucas, another girl

OTHER PEOPLE

You see that man and your heart skips. He treats you like a goddess. He goes out of his way for you but when it comes to people he has no reason to be kind to he becomes a monster. He treats the helps like slaves and you tell yourself, ‘it’s because they are just helps’. He treats his family badly and never keeps the promises he made to them and you tell yourself ‘well, maybe they did something to him.’ He never has a kind word to say about his colleagues from work, you see him smile at them before their faces and tears them down behind their backs; he even does same to his friends. You see it all as nothing because he treats you well. He has nothing good to say about his exes and lays the fault at their doors and you say,’ they must have really hurt him.’
  One day you run into an ex of his and without knowing who you are to him, tells you about their relationship,

LILLIPUT

It has always been one of my favorite novels ‘Gulliver’s’ travels’. I devoured the stories in it especially the one about the little people ‘the Lilliputians’. It was a journey to a different world. I always tried imagining what I would have done if I was Gulliver. I am borrowing the term for a different expression here but not far off from its origin. It is amazing the things we think that are best for us without even stopping to consider the reasons why we feel such things are best. Most women, infact every woman has the fantasy of a tall, dark, and handsome, prince charming, possibly add rich, who falls in love with her on sight and they live happily ever after.
  Why tall, why not short? That is why most people never have good relationships because they are there for all the wrong reasons entirely. They go into it because of the physical appearance. Does the physical appearance portray what is inside? Yes, agreed, you have to like the outward appearance a bit before getting to know the person. Doesn’t love grow anymore?
  If you ask most women their criteria for a man, the first thing on the list is tall. This to me is very bad. I thought one was meant to look for those in built characters that complement us. People keep looking for the wrong packages and not the right ones.
  I decided to go do some research and hear what people had to say. Therefore, I met Temi, a student, she says her guy must be tall, she cannot imagine dating a minus size or short guy. That she will be ashamed to introduce the guy to people as her boyfriend.
Onose, said it was over her dead body, that so if the guy wants to kiss her she’ll kneel down for him, that it’s not the way it’s meant to be, it is not romantic at all and she cannot imagine it happening to her. I got that same reply from all the women I asked.
 One, Lynda, even said that her mom would kick against it seriously and would never let her marry such a guy, that their kids might carry their father’s stunted growth and she wants tall kids.
  What about those guys and women of average height and below are they not meant to be loved too or are they not capable of loving? The first quality any reasonable woman should be looking for in a guy is for a guy who loves her, understanding, compatability, trust and friendship. Things that will last and be there even after you have both grown old and ugly. However, no, we are all looking for a Denzel Washington and RMD to come sweep us off our feet.
These fine, tall brothers are also aware of how they look, if I may remind you, so don’t think the height necessarily ensures you all the good things he can also share elsewhere. What I am saying is do not look on the outside but on the inside. Nobody is perfect and compatible to just anybody. why stay there for all the wrong reasons when there’s someone willing to offer it but you refuse it because say you dey wait for prince charming. No wonder most women get married late, some never do because they’ve painted a picture of the kind of package they want on the outside, and the result is heartbreak. So ladies do keep an open mind and go for the right qualities, I beg you.
Not only the women have a hand abi share in this height debacle, the guys do too.Tunde, an Engineer says,

 'no, I can’t oh, for what? I can’t introduce her as my girlfriend but if it’s for me to collect my 10% (just have sex), I won’t mind at all'
 Henry, a student told me that there are many fishes in the ocean why that one, when I asked him, what of a girl taller than you are? He also said that he could never date a girl taller than he is. So brother, who are you going to date?
  Through this I noticed that average guys like tall girls and very tall guys; do not like girls taller than they are or of same height. So really does the height of a person matter really, shouldn’t it be an inside thing. If you are ok with the inside, why worry about the outside because in the end, it is the inside that matters.  Therefore, what do you want in your package?

Men are from Mars,Women are from Venus

  I have been hearing that line for years. ‘men are from mars and women are from Venus’ then i thought it was another scientific discovery that proved that God didn’t create men at all, so I called it balderdash! I kept hearing it on TV, radio, etc. I developed a new thought, maybe it’s an idiom used to explain or describe the differences between men and women. I did not know how close and far off I was from the answer. I know you are wondering what are Mars and Venus; planets have to do with man?
  I got my answer the day I followed a friend who was desperately looking for a self-help book at a bookstore in Ikeja. You know-self help books treat everything from how to be a great parent, to how to be a good wife. They have everything from books in relationship, to books in psychology, cooking, handicraft and the list goes on. That was where I saw it, written in bold pink letters ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’. I just had to buy it. I could not believe it was just a book after all. Therefore, i got it. It is written by Dr John Gray. As I read this book, everything began to make sense and I wondered where this book had been all these years. I will share some things I learnt and I know are common mistakes we all make in our relationships with you.,plus my thoughts in brackets. I hope I will not be sued for this, lols! Anyways, if you want the full details, go get your copy ,I got mine.
·     We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react in certain ways; the ways we react and behave when we love someone, forgetting that men and women handle situations in a completely different manner and the other person is not YOU. (This is where we expect out partners' to be mind readers and know what we want, the way we want it or reason if it were me i would do this like this. We all are different beings ,so let up.)
·     A man tries to change a woman’s feelings when she is upset by becoming Mr. fix-it and offering solutions to her problems. He does not know that sometimes we women just want to be listened to, so, hush! Do not talk just listen.
·     A woman tries to change a man’s behaviour when he makes mistakes by becoming the home improvement committee and offering unsolicited  advice and help not knowing how critical and unloving she sounds because what he is reading from it is that you think  he doesn’t know what to do. (Don't be madam know it all, if you don't like being told you don't know how to cook, imagine how he feels when you tell him how to do stuff he should know. Let him make the mistakes, men have amazingly fragile egos.)
·     A man will want to make improvements, when he feels he is being approached as the solution to a problem rather than the problem itself.  (instead of saying 'I need to talk to you' try 'I have a problem' or 'I need your help' then introduce that thing he does you don't like diplomatically. Diplomacy goes a long way not just with strangers but your partner as well.)
·     Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed by their women and women, when they feel cherished by their men.( you can do it yeah it is the independent woman era but that's why he is there, let him be the man. Men, let her know how much you love and appreciate her, we like to hear it, so show it,don't just say it. We feed off it)
·     A man’s deepest fear is that he is not good enough or that he is incompetent. Men need love too. ( Woman, you are not the only one that needs to hear that you are loved or have it shown to you, appreciate him and show him by words and actions that you love him, it's not just with sex. Men are human beings too. If you don't some other woman will help you out.)
·     The four magic words to support a man are; ‘It’s not your fault.’ (No matter how you just want to say it and pass the buick abi blame, shut the hell up. Everyone makes mistakes. You don't have to rub it in that you are right everytime.)
·     Men should never forget to reassure their women of their love, it is a basic need of women, to need re-assurance.(we are all insecure beings, tell us you do, everytime.)
·     In relationships, men pull back (withdraws emotionally) and then get close, while women rise and fall in their ability to love themselves and others. (give each other some space when needed)
·     When negative feelings are suppressed for a long time, positive feelings become suppressed as well and love dies. ( If your partner does something you don't like, tell them because it will be repeated next time. Forget tolerance, say it not rudely but calmly. Say how it makes you feel or it would grow into resentment and you'd start hating your partner, forgetting you never said a word.)
·     It puts too much pressure on a man, when you make him the only source of love and support. (love yourself woman and let him have a life apart from you, you should too, hang out with your girls and do things you love. Get a job and have a life, not when you need to buy toothpick you call on him.)
·     A man thinks that once he has met all of a woman’s primary love needs and she feels happy and secure, that she should know from then on that she is loved. (we need to hear it, so say it a lot.)

  When I was through with the book, I was amazed and felt well educated about the two beings called man and woman. Then I wondered, if I’m really in a bad mood and feel hurt would I at that moment even remember a weensy teensy bit of all this. hell no! I do not think so. Well, they say ‘no knowledge is lost.’ I hope you learnt a little. If you need the whole details, you know where to get them so you can stop making those mistakes because knowledge is power. Cheers and Good luck!!!

GARBAGE IN,GARBAGE OUT!

                                                              (written five years ago.)

   (I just had to bring this article back)

    What by Jove does that mean? I do not really think I know. Is it something good or evil? Guess it goes in and comes out as a stick of cigarette does with the exhalation of smoke. It does sound somewhat military, no computer language, I think.
     These days the rate of immorality amongst children and youths is something un-imaginable. Things I couldn't do at an age so young are done now.  Maybe, I would have done this particular thing but my parents weren't that type of parents. It's not as though I’m a grandma now. What exactly am I trying to say? Let me let you in on it. A female child of four, her parents buy her skimpy dresses that cover nothing at all. They see nothing wrong with it, they say, they want their child to look smart besides she is just a small girl (do not blame the rise of pedophiles these days). Please! What happened to smart, frilly, girly dresses, if I may ask? The little girl grows older, at 8yrs; she is still wearing such clothes until she gets to adolescence. We all did Biology and primary science, even if you were the dumbest in class, we know at that age, her breasts and other things (do not ask me to mention them) starts to develop. You can just imagine the picture. Do not blame her; she sees nothing wrong in it, which is how she was raised. After mum and dad, will tell her to stop wearing such clothes but Madam and Oga, Na una start am o! This was the case scenario for Hilda . Her family was my neighbor. Her parents were very rich, they bought her all sorts of clothes, very nice but skimpy. To be sincere, I envied her, we all did, and she was a few years older than I was. Her parents were never around, if her mum was not in Dubai, she was in Abuja, same for her dad; he was always travelling out of the country. She was left at the mercy of house-helps. She never lacked a thing. Men! Did we envy her because to us then, she had everything;she had the freedom we never had,she could do and have anything she wanted. As she got older, we started hearing gists of her with this boy and that boy in the estate. Next thing, it was that she was seen at various hotels in the arms of different men. She was now into prostitution or aristo, which is the better word, she drank, smoked, her dressing was bizarre. Even then, her parents were still never around. One day, a fight erupted in the neighborhood; the wife of one of her paramours beat her black and blue. After, we did not see Hilda around anymore. I later heard that her parents sent her out of the country after the incident. (I don't know if they expect her to change over there,lol! i guess they took her out to save the family from embarassement.) I believe the Holy Book said something about showing a child the right way to walk and he will never depart from it. Therefore, you see it is not her fault one bit. She was not well informed, since her parents were never around. Parents these days leave their children at home with the help and focus more on their jobs. It is not about providing them with all the material things in the world, what happened to the training and love parents give? Why bring a child into the world if you know you cannot take care of the child? Do not even bother. Garbage in, garbage out.
    When I was little, children were children. We played all kinds of outdoor games that made our brains sharp( don't know about you anyways) like, Suwe, Ten-ten, Police and thief, Ring-a-roses and so on. Watched cartoons and children movies like, Sound of music, Walt Disney fairy tales&cartoons, Hannah-Barbera cartoons and read many books. These days, good grief! You cannot help but weep. Yes, kids these days are smart too but they don't have fun.They play computer games filled with violence, shoot and kill! Watch violent cartoons, adult films and vulgar R&B and rap songs(i love rap). They don't read books no more. please, what happened to parental guidance? I have absolutely no idea. Even the so called Cartoon Network shows cartoons were robots are having sex. Parents do not check what their children take in because they do not have the time. You see a girl of 14 and she acts,looks and dresses 30. Our kids are growing up too fast,way too fast. This is a psychological problem but people don't know it. They want to be more than themselves, they feel adults have it all and they want some. They are seeking for attention. There is no one to look at that little girl and tell her there is nothing wrong in being 14. It's an awesome age. If she continues at this pace when she gets to 40, she has regrets and is tired already, there's nothing more to discover. No wonder we have, rapists, pedophilles, ,homophiles everywhere because they are looking for new thrills. (I have friends that are homophiles and through series of discussions, i understand this was one of it,reasons.) Kids of four have boyfriends and girlfriends already and before the age of 12, they have had sex. Nothing is left for adulthood. I even see parents that encourage it, they make fun of it. Do you think kids are stupid and are not listening and seeing the things you make them do? They say it's a modern age. Does that mean our morality should take a back-burner? Then we pat ourselves and say we serve God. 
   There are no songs for kids and the ones available idolize sex. Their music idols are sex symbols. If Beiber can do it, why shouldn't they? Their music and movie idols in Nigeria, say it's great ,so why can't they?  Hey! What is wrong with the media? They are corrupting our kids. A TV station that is on 24hrs will show kid's programme for only 30minutes or nigh an hour. What do they expect the kids to watch, they will watch every other thing they are showing too. Why don't we have a TV station for kids, as other countries do? That is why Cartoon Network is making their money in different countries, though they have been banned from some. Manga is definitely not for kids, i have read the comic versions so i can say it. We need a TV station for Nigerian kids or don't you think so? PG should be added to the TV programmes or something. Parents restrict the sites your kids can visit on the world wide web. I look into the eyes of little kids today and their innocence are gone.
    Now, we can see why  immorality is climbing. They are all giving out and practicing what they have taken in. Seriously, I do not want to imagine what the next few years would look like, with too many things that have been stored being let out.They have no one to talk to. Most of them suffer such psychological trauma, trying to find themselves as they mature, since they have no one to talk to, they talk to their peers who are as lost as they are or they look to the media. I pray for my noble country.What goes in, most surely come out. Garbage in, garbage out!