CUTTING YOUR COAT

Edwin looked into his wallet, he only had ten thousand naira left, resolved, he took it out and paid the cashier. He knew he was going to drink garri for a while and pay lots of visits to people to see food to eat but this was the event of the year and he couldn’t show up in the black blazers he wore to church last week. He had a reputation to protect.
  Linda hasn’t paid her school fees. Her parents were broke and gave her just one thousand naira to use as pocket allowance for the semester until they could get more money. Her boyfriend asked her what she wanted for her birthday and she mentioned the latest Ipad and a Brazilian weave. The cost of the two was near four hundred thousand naira and she was so happy. Everyone would see her as an it girl. A very expensive one at that. It never occurred to her to gather this money, pay her fees and give the rest to her parents. She was a campus big girl and everyone must know that she was in town.
  Ade wanted to please Ruth. He knew that the Blackberry she said she wanted he didn’t have the money anywhere. He was a student like her and his parents were not rich. He withdrew all his life savings, borrowed money from his friends, sold his gold chain and his laptop and bought the phone for her. He just wanted to see her smile. After all as her boyfriend he should be able to take care of her and provide her with whatever she wants. That was what real men did and he was one.  He wanted her to be the envy of her friends. He didn’t want to lose her.
  Tina loved to sport her natural hair. She loved being quirky. She loved the huge glasses and the sneakers. She loved herself. She met Dammy and gave up the natural hair for Brazilian weaves, got the clingy dresses going, gave up her sneakers for heels. She knew he loved women with class. He’d commented once or twice about her hair and her style. She’d seen his eyes glow appreciatively at the girly girls that all looked alike and she changed to get him to stay. She wanted his love and if making that sacrifice to make him think her gorgeous and beautiful was it then it was worth it.
   Lisa’s new friends were organising a girl trip to Dubai. Lisa ran and borrowed money with a promise to pay back so she could fit in and not be looked down on by them.
  Insecurities make people cut a cloth to sew a dress that isn’t their size. You have to learn to accept yourself as you are and your situation. Love yourself. If you do then you’d know you don’t have to change what makes you happy because you don’t want to lose someone. You’d say hey if they don’t accept the fact that I’m not as rich as they are, as travelled as they are then maybe we shouldn’t be friends. If you are comfortable in your skin, you wouldn’t care that what you wore is different from others. You wouldn’t let trivial unimportant things get to you. There’s always someone out there that would accept your eccentricities. If that girl wants to leave you because you can’t afford the new expensive phone that she likes then let her go. There’s a girl out there that would sit down and chew kulikuli with you. If he tells you he’d leave you if you don’t sleep with him, raise your chin up and show him the door. It’s not by force to do. If you did all that under duress, became who you are not for someone else, they will never respect you and in time you will hate yourself because you are unhappy and you begin to resent them. You will find acceptance as you are with the right people. Someone will love you as you are. Creating illusions with what you are not, you only destroy yourself, the people you are trying to impress only talk about you for five minutes in a twenty four hours day.
  Confidence and true beauty comes from within when you let yourself shine free of restriction and fear. What you have and put on will only give you a minute false confidence. Your inner confidence stays on the outside for much longer even if you have rags on. It shows in your speech, the way you carry yourself, your smile, your eyes and your laughter. If you like wear the most expensive dress in the world. Your confidence span would last for just ten minutes.
  If your material is big, small, medium, it is yours and yours alone. Learn to cut your coat according to your cloth material. Be yourself. Cheers!

BENDING THE TRUTH DIPLOMATICALLY

Everyone loves to feel good. Everyone loves to be agreed with.  If you are the kind of person that is always honest, says things straight up without any sugar coating on your words then you are headed for a whole lot of trouble with people.
  Max hated lies. He was a devout Christian and believed in saying the truth at all times. He felt the world should go that way. He was getting ready for a gala, his girlfriend came around. She wore a tight orange dress that did her figure and complexion no good. She looked like a drag queen but he said nothing. She walks up to him and asks,
‘How do I look dear?’
  And he let it rip. He said it as it was. She left his house in tears and they never went for the gala. He was perplexed. If she didn’t want to know the truth why had she bothered to ask?
  Max goes to work and his boss asks him what he thinks about a contract they were going after. He got into trouble. Everyone, the boss inclusive knew that Max had stated the obvious truth to them but they didn’t want it to be said out loud. They preferred it stayed in the recess of their minds.  Max’s friend asks a mutual friend of theirs if he thinks he has lost some weight and the friend says yes, Max’s eyes almost bulge out. This friend hadn’t lost an ounce of weight but had gained a thousand more. He looks around and asks Max if he agrees and Max tells him the truth. He gets angry and refuses to talk to Max, saying Max insulted him by calling him fat. He knew deep down that Max was right. Max kept wondering why people took an offence at everything he said. He was the recipient of people’s angry remarks and silence treatment just for telling them the truth, tired of it, he decides to try a new style.
  Max goes out months later and sees his friend who asks him how he looks and Max knowing that he looked like a lard of butter replies
‘You look fabulous. Have you been working out?’
   His friend preened happily and narrated his steps to perfection with Max. Eureka! It had hit Max. No one wanted to hear the truth especially when it stares them in the face and they are in self denial. So he became an expert in telling people exactly what they wanted to hear and keeping his thoughts to himself. He became the most sought after guy. His friends increased from ten to a thousand.
  Emily saw herself as a straight person. If she was sad, everyone knew it, happy, angry, she showed it no holds barred. If you did something and she didn’t like it she wouldn’t mince words but tell you as she felt it. If she doesn’t like you oh you’d know, pretence wasn’t her thing. You always knew where you were with her .She realised that in a week she had left fifty people she had interacted with that week angry. She didn’t understand why she had to hide her feelings and thoughts. After she got into it with a colleague, a senior colleague calls her to his office and gives her the golden rule,
‘Ass lick and be diplomatic. Act!’
Everyone noticed a change and was pleased. Here’s an example. Emily’s colleague has always tried to undermine Emily before their boss. Emily gets to work in the morning, sees her and smiles outwardly,
‘Hi Treesh! Wow! You look gorgeous today. You need to teach me how to apply makeup the way you do. I love it.’
Her colleague smiles happily. Two things have happened here; Emily has lied and she has made this colleague feel better by thinking she knows something more than she Emily does. Emily turns away from the colleague and her smile fades
‘Die bitch! I hate you! Your makeup looks like that of a village masquerade.’
Emily thinks to herself.  Emily’s bitchy superior that she quarrels with every time, makes a mistake and places it on Emily. Emily knows two things would happen; 1) if she goes to the boss to complain she’d get an enemy for life through her superior and 2) she will get sacked. She goes to this same superior and says,
 ‘Thank you ma, for pointing my error out, I never would have seen it without your help. I promise it will never happen again. I hope you don’t mind taking me under your tutelage. I would consider it an honour to learn from you.’
  Emily has struck gold here. She has saved her ass, made this superior feel good about herself and gained a friend. Oh don’t think Emily wants to be friends. She’d wait for the right moment and the right info to get back at the bitchy superior.
  If there’s one thing Ade had learnt, it was to agree with everything his bosses say. Hey and he moved up the ranks pretty fast. They saw him as their guy. Well, truthfully he wasn’t. He only told them what they wanted to hear to get to where he wanted.  The opportunity presented itself and he sold their secrets and jumped ships to their enemy, a bigger and more lucrative party.
  Haven’t you ever wondered why politicians tell you only what you want to hear to get what they want? Telling you what you want makes you shut up and leave them the hell alone. You even like them for it. Lol! They say politics is a dirty game but it’s a life game. The big mistake you make is to see another one in the same game or rather business with you as a friend because you agree, they compliment you, and you hang out together and all. You then let your guard down and give them info they need, when the time is right, they use that info and you call them dirty. Business is business and friendship is friendship doesn’t only happen in politics. It’s a general life rule; you miss out when you mix the two up by seeing your colleague as a friend and so many more. God help you if their outward speech and inward speech aren’t the same.  It’s like seeing your boss as a friend and getting carried away by it. When it comes to his money that Boss would show you he wasn’t your friend as you thought.
  Even men are experts at telling girls what the girls want to hear to get them to do what they want, sorry if you bought it sucker. You cry in the end, they go. Prostitutes, whether you call them aristos know this too. They give you a good time and make you believe they had one too but believe me you don’t want to hear their inner thoughts. Lol!
  The truth is half the smiles you got today weren’t real, half the compliments were lies and the list goes on. Being able to discern that’s where the battle comes in. Sometimes people tell you what you want for their own purposes, it’s not about you.  When people tell you ‘hiiiiiiii’ in high pitched tones that stretch instead of ‘hi’ you smile inside and wonder why say hi to me at all but they will and do to make themselves feel good and make you like them even if they don’t like you.   It’s called social etiquette.
  Agree even when you don’t agree for peace’s sake. Smile even when you don’t feel like it. Compliment even if you don’t want to. Tell people what they want to hear even if you know it’s a lie and save yourself the agony of an argument or to get what you want. Be diplomatic always!  Personally, I think it’s erroneous to believe people don’t want to hear the truth and keep lying to them. If you want sex and not a relationship, say it. If she’s game you roll. You tired of the relationship, tell him and don’t make him the stupid fool that held on to nothing thinking it’s his fault. If it doesn’t suit her tell her but modulate the way you say it. She’d prefer knowing than going out looking like a tent. You can say the truth in a diplomatic way too and not lie about it because you want the person to like you.  Or what do you think about it all? I leave you with a classic example.
“Smile and wave boys, smile and wave”- The Penguins of Madagascar.

MY NUMBER IS BIGGER THAN YOURS

‘Do we look like age mates?’
‘You have no respect for elders.’
‘Look at this little girl addressing me like her mate.’
‘Do you know how old I am?’
‘I am your senior and you don’t talk to me that way.’
'My youngest sister is older than you.'

 Have you had any of the above said to your face before or maybe you were the speaker? Seriously, does the age thing really matter?
  You work in an office and you are all equals, colleagues but maybe unfortunately for you, you are the youngest. You would see how you’d be treated in that office. They’d treat you like the baby. The bulk of the job is dropped on your desk. When they have discussions your point of view will not be counted. If you know something on the job more than they do and you let them know it, they remind you of your age. It doesn’t matter if you were trying to help. It doesn’t happen everywhere but if sadly for you, you come in contact with people who have low self esteem and feel insecure with themselves; your age which is younger than theirs only reminds them. They feel insulted and angry not with themselves but with you for trying to rub shoulders with them and doing the same job they do at your age. They treat you like the enemy.
  It’s not right to bring up the age matter. The person, no matter how young, is not your sibling.  You don’t demand they respect you for your age. It’s their prerogative not yours. I know people would start with the 'we are Africans' mantra. Yeah, great, respect yourself and that young person and they will accord you your respect. You see supposed older people that because of your age accord you no single atom of respect, they belittle you and yet they want you to give them respect, if possible kneel down and kiss their feet. Don’t you see something wrong with that picture? It’s more annoying when you all are colleagues or you are their boss or you don’t know them from Adam.  You can’t say your mind to them and everything you do is evaluated with should someone beneath me tell me such things.
  If you feel the younger person disrespects you, ask yourself why? That you got into the world first doesn’t make you more knowledgeable nor does it make you perfect or better. People lose out on so much by looking at people through their age. If the person is a colleague and you resent them or their youthfulness, check yourself. It’s not their fault that you are colleagues. They didn’t place you at the level you are. It should even be a wake-up call to you to do better and not for you to rub it in their faces like it's a big deal.
  You make yourself the fool every time and anytime you use any of the above line. You don’t force people to respect you. You don’t force people to listen to you. Hey, I’m not referring to parents here. Ok, though sometimes they may be wrong but those ones we certainly owe them that respect. You could have been aborted or thrown away.
  If your number looks bigger it doesn’t automatically grant you all the knowledge in the world and the Wisdom of Solomon. Sometimes, you have to bring yourself down and be humble, it’s in that you find respect. You are not a walking encyclopaedia. You don’t know what you can gain or learn from that supposed stupid young person. Leave your numbers behind and bring yourself out and be open. We just use numbers to shield ourselves and cover our fears and insecurities.  How big is your number? Do you carry it around with you and let it weigh you down? Is your number bigger than mine? Does it matter to you?
http://francesbox.blogspot.com/2011/05/age-factor.html

http://francesbox.blogspot.com/2011/05/age-factor.html

SINGLE+NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP = ABNORMAL

  Have you ever been single for three months? By being single I mean, not having a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Today, we have serial daters. The thought of being single to them is equal to being alone and a failure. They need to be in a relationship. They need to have somebody to hold. They need somebody to tell them what to do. They need to be able to say ‘yes I have a partner.’ That’s the new breed today.
  You might even be dating one of them. You could ask your partner when their last relationship ended and the one before that. You’d notice the time frame. They see being single and not married as a death sentence. Even if they are not married, they have to be in a relationship at least. It makes them feel beautiful, handsome and powerful, to be part of a couple, to have somebody. You can ask why they feel this way. We’ve been told since forever that as a woman you need a man and as a man you need a woman too. Successful men and women have partners. It shows you are special when you have someone that cares about you and you are exclusive with. On Valentine’s Day and on Christmas day, you have to spend such holidays with your partner. On your birthday, there has to be a partner to wow you on that day. To them not being a relationship means there is something wrong with them and that they are not desirable.
  Well, can you blame them? Today, when it’s believed everyone should have a partner, if you are not married and you get asked the question;
‘Do you have a boyfriend?’
  You are female and you say NO. They begin to wonder and analyse you. They tell you it’s not possible and that you are not married yet so you shouldn’t be single. You need a man. Maybe you are too headstrong. Every man wants a woman that is this and that. They go on and on. Your not being in a relationship has been painted as a bad thing. Then you rush into the next available arms, whether you like them or not. It might lead to a marriage with that person and then it ends in a divorce, which I might add is on the rise today.
  If you can’t live alone with yourself, be independent till you meet the person you like enough to stop being independent with and share the buck load, then you have a problem. Do you flit from one relationship into another in days? You have never been alone, you date every day. You end one relationship and don’t give yourself time to be alone and you jump right into the next one? STOP! Slow down. Relationships won’t fill up the neediness you are feeling. Learn to be by yourself. If you can’t stand being by yourself, how do you expect another human being to stand being with you?
  If you are single, there’s nothing wrong with it. You keep going about your business and fulfilling your destiny. If the people around you can’t see how special you are enough to ask you out, it’s because them the wrong folks, the right one that can see you is on the way.  Enjoy your life and live it till then. Believe me, if you rush in, you’d regret it in the end. You don’t need a man or a woman to help you boost your confidence nor make your life better. If you decide to stop being single and enter into a relationship let it be for the right reasons.  You met a great but not perfect person like you that you’d like to get to know.
  If you have a friend that is never single, help them out. If you are single; there is nothing wrong with you. You are strong and confident. Someone will notice the excellent features someday and want to share in your life, if you get that, awesome.  You decide to be happy, only you can make you happy, so live your life like it’s golden. Being single, doesn’t make you a monster nor does it mean you are lonely and alone. It is your choice. If you choose to be single and wait nothing wrong in that. You’re being quirkyalone.
Or what do you think, is it a crime to be single and not in a relationship?

THE WOMEN BEATERS

 The heart they say is a bitch and it decides whom it loves. Is it true? Don't we have a say in which human we fall in love with? When it goes awry and we choose someone stupid that falls short of our mark or breaks our hearts, we blame it on the heart. We had no choice in it. Is that the truth? We all hate to take the fall and admit we made a mistake, a stupid one at that so we look for someone to blame. In this case, we blame a tiny mass of muscles and arteries called the heart. Is the heart really the evil mastermind we make it out to be? Does it decide whom we love for us?
  Imagine a friend, dating a guy who beats her every time, blaming it on love. She cannot leave because she is madly in love with him.
  When Princess and Isaac first met, Isaac was charming and sweet. He paid attention to her, bought her gifts, took her out to exciting places. To be brief, he treated her like a real princess. As a girl and a human being, she fell for him. He was rich and successful at a young age. He already had an MBA and his own business. A few months into the relationship, she was over at his place for the weekend. They had a little tiff over her using his cell phone and forgetting to tell him when a call came in. They argued and before she knew it, he slapped her. According to her, he apologized repeatedly and bought her a gift to show how sorry he was. When she told her friend Edna about it, Edna did not want to hear what caused the argument; all she heard was

 ‘HE SLAPPED ME!’

 That sentence kept reverberating in her head. She gave Princess the best advice she could as a friend,

‘Run like the wind before it’s too late.’

 She said no that he loved her and she deserved it for what she did. Some months later, she came to visit Edna wearing the darkest shades Edna had ever seen. It was darker than Ray Charles’ was. She refused to take it off but when she did, Edna screamed. Her face was black and blue. It was so obvious because she is fair in complexion. Edna picked up her bag ready to go give Isaac a piece of her mind with male friends that would beat him up. Princess held her back so she could explain to her what had happened.  She told her that she had gone to a fast food with Kelvin a mutual friend of theirs, when Isaac walked in with his friend, he saw her and stormed out the fast food. (Edna thanked God he did not make a scene at least.) She got to his place. She tried to explain to him that Kelvin was just a friend. He gave her three blows to the face. Edna stood up again ready to go over there and give the bastard a piece of her mind but she pleaded with her not to. She said Edna would make things worse, besides they had made up and he was sorry. That he is so in love with her that the thought of her being with another man drove him into a rage. Edna could not help saying,

 ‘Inferior, insecure man baby!’

Edna also could not believe her ears; she took a good look at her friend again baffled.

‘A man beats you up and you make excuses for him and to crown it all you pin it on LOVE?'

Edna tried so hard to make her understand that it was not right.

'A man who loves and respects you would not dare lay a finger on you.'

She tried to make Princess understand that it was not her fault, she deserved better and he might kill her one day. Princess refused to listen and told her if she would not get off the case, she would never come around anymore so Edna dropped it. Princess went back to him and Edna died a little bit because she was scared she knew what would happen.
  Few weeks later, Princess called Edna up. They hooked up at a restaurant, Princess was so excited. She was really glowing. They were eating when Edna noticed it finally, a sparkling diamond engagement ring. Edna knew she was supposed to be all giddy with joy and scream congratulations but she was sad. She was about getting married to a woman beater. Edna could not bring it up that day so she waited until the next.
  Edna reminded her of the previous incidents. As expected, Princess went into his defense that he was not bad because he laid his hands on her just twice a year. She caused the beating. It was her fault and she had forgotten all about it. He had promised her it would never happen again. Edna tried to reason with her again to no avail.
  A week later, Edna receives a call from Kelvin to inform her that Princess was in the hospital. She drove over. Princess was in the ICU. Her face was a mess, she had two broken ribs and she had miscarried thanks to the beating. Edna broke down in tears when she saw her. Princess' father had Isaac arrested but he was soon released thanks to his father, who was a former chief justice. Edna was happy that Princess did not marry Isaac because she might have just ended up dead.
  Princess kept asking Edna why she never noticed Isaac had a temper and was a woman beater. Edna could not tell her 'I told you so.' but was she blind all this while not to have noticed it. Princess blamed it on love once more, saying,

'You don’t choose whom you love. The heart has a mind of its own.'

 That was the time Edna lost it.

 'That’s just some excuse. The guy seemed perfect, showered you with gifts, attention and everything else a girl desired. To top it, he is young and handsome, so of course you chose him. YOU did, not your heart. So, don’t blame it on your heart. He laid his hands on you the first time and you stayed. He tried it again the second time and you loved him. If not that you lost your baby and nearly died, you would still be with him, so spare me all that love crap.'

 Isaac came begging days later, Princess almost went back to him but her parents forbade the relationship and threatened to disown her if she went back to him. Edna couldn't blame them because children were supposed to bury their parents and not the other way round. Until this day, Edna thanks God for her friend's life because she is sure she would have been dead by now if she were married to him.
  Now you see what I am talking about, she refused to take any blame for choosing this man but blames it on the heart. If she had died tomorrow or lost a part of her body, she would say she never saw it coming when the signs were there. Women beaters are a special crop of men whom I call insecure men with an acute case of inferiority complex. It starts with a slap, and then they will apologize and tell you they love you too much that they find it hard to control themselves and would not have touched you if you had not done what you did. Mind you, the apology comes with a gift but he would say all this. You end up believing him because you do not know what to say. You refuse to believe he is bad and you do this because you do not want to rock the boat. He would leave you for a while. The second time, he will increase from one slap to three or four. He tells you the same thing all over again. This time you will be the one apologizing because you bought the crap he told you the first time. If someone asks you what happened, you will say you fell down or you hit your face when you walked into the door. You become an expert liar for him. When he sees you are still hanging around, only God will save you the next time because he was just testing the waters with the previous two. The next one thanks to the fact that he knows you love him and you’d always forgive him and stick around , he’ll beat you within an inch of your ‘precious’ life. If you ask me, that was what happened to our dear Rihanna when Chris Brown beat her black n blue.
  There are two types of them we have the physical beater which is the most common and we have the emotional/ psychological beater; this is the worse type , they kill your self esteem and your spirit, to them you are good for nothing and you start to believe it. If you find yourself in this situation, one advice, RUN!!! Run like a bat out of hell before it is too late. If you have a friend in this jam, it is time you called an intervention for her before she dies. If it’s a colleague at work, a course mate in school, a neighbor who always has a shiny, you can do something to help them, reach out. Remember, not all that glitters are gold. That shiny, suave, debonair exterior may be the costume for a monster hiding within.
  If a guy slaps you, do not ever take it lying low. It is better to be single, happy and alive. It is that simple. Sad thing is there are women who buy this kind of men as the definition of love. Some of these women were brought up in families with abusive fathers, were raped and have so much psychological trauma that it seems normal to them. You would even meet one that keeps dating women beaters. She is like a magnet to them. These women might be successful in their careers but stay with this. They need your help and support. They need to build their inner self confidence. No woman confident internally and knows her real worth as a woman, a woman that respects herself and demands respect wouldn't stand for this. Show them love and counsel women who are victims of women beaters. They always have injuries, pain in some body part (some men beat women in non visible parts of the body) and always have a ready excuse for their injury or pain. Please, look around you today and save a life. Thank you!