Saturday, November 2, 2013

MY NUMBER IS BIGGER THAN YOURS



‘Do we look like age mates?’
‘You have no respect for elders.’
‘Look at this little girl addressing me like her mate.’
‘Do you know how old I am?’
‘I am your senior and you don’t talk to me that way.’
'My youngest sister is older than you.'

 Have you had any of the above said to your face before or maybe you were the speaker? Seriously, does the age thing really matter?
  You work in an office and you are all equals, colleagues but maybe unfortunately for you, you are the youngest. You would see how you’d be treated in that office. They’d treat you like the baby. The bulk of the job is dropped on your desk. When they have discussions your point of view will not be counted. If you know something on the job more than they do and you let them know it, they remind you of your age. It doesn’t matter if you were trying to help. It doesn’t happen everywhere but if sadly for you, you come in contact with people who have low self esteem and feel insecure with themselves; your age which is younger than theirs only reminds them. They feel insulted and angry not with themselves but with you for trying to rub shoulders with them and doing the same job they do at your age. They treat you like the enemy.
  It’s not right to bring up the age matter. The person, no matter how young, is not your sibling.  You don’t demand they respect you for your age. It’s their prerogative not yours. I know people would start with the 'we are Africans' mantra. Yeah, great, respect yourself and that young person and they will accord you your respect. You see supposed older people that because of your age accord you no single atom of respect, they belittle you and yet they want you to give them respect, if possible kneel down and kiss their feet. Don’t you see something wrong with that picture? It’s more annoying when you all are colleagues or you are their boss or you don’t know them from Adam.  You can’t say your mind to them and everything you do is evaluated with should someone beneath me tell me such things.
  If you feel the younger person disrespects you, ask yourself why? That you got into the world first doesn’t make you more knowledgeable nor does it make you perfect or better. People lose out on so much by looking at people through their age. If the person is a colleague and you resent them or their youthfulness, check yourself. It’s not their fault that you are colleagues. They didn’t place you at the level you are. It should even be a wake-up call to you to do better and not for you to rub it in their faces like it's a big deal.
  You make yourself the fool every time and anytime you use any of the above line. You don’t force people to respect you. You don’t force people to listen to you. Hey, I’m not referring to parents here. Ok, though sometimes they may be wrong but those ones we certainly owe them that respect. You could have been aborted or thrown away.
  If your number looks bigger it doesn’t automatically grant you all the knowledge in the world and the Wisdom of Solomon. Sometimes, you have to bring yourself down and be humble, it’s in that you find respect. You are not a walking encyclopaedia. You don’t know what you can gain or learn from that supposed stupid young person. Leave your numbers behind and bring yourself out and be open. We just use numbers to shield ourselves and cover our fears and insecurities.  How big is your number? Do you carry it around with you and let it weigh you down? Is your number bigger than mine? Does it matter to you?
http://francesbox.blogspot.com/2011/05/age-factor.html


Wednesday, October 23, 2013

SINGLE+NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP = ABNORMAL


  Have you ever been single for three months? By being single I mean, not having a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Today, we have serial daters. The thought of being single to them is equal to being alone and a failure. They need to be in a relationship. They need to have somebody to hold. They need somebody to tell them what to do. They need to be able to say ‘yes I have a partner.’ That’s the new breed today.
  You might even be dating one of them. You could ask your partner when their last relationship ended and the one before that. You’d notice the time frame. They see being single and not married as a death sentence. Even if they are not married, they have to be in a relationship at least. It makes them feel beautiful, handsome and powerful, to be part of a couple, to have somebody. You can ask why they feel this way. We’ve been told since forever that as a woman you need a man and as a man you need a woman too. Successful men and women have partners. It shows you are special when you have someone that cares about you and you are exclusive with. On Valentine’s Day and on Christmas day, you have to spend such holidays with your partner. On your birthday, there has to be a partner to wow you on that day. To them not being a relationship means there is something wrong with them and that they are not desirable.
  Well, can you blame them? Today, when it’s believed everyone should have a partner, if you are not married and you get asked the question;
‘Do you have a boyfriend?’
  You are female and you say NO. They begin to wonder and analyse you. They tell you it’s not possible and that you are not married yet so you shouldn’t be single. You need a man. Maybe you are too headstrong. Every man wants a woman that is this and that. They go on and on. Your not being in a relationship has been painted as a bad thing. Then you rush into the next available arms, whether you like them or not. It might lead to a marriage with that person and then it ends in a divorce, which I might add is on the rise today.
  If you can’t live alone with yourself, be independent till you meet the person you like enough to stop being independent with and share the buck load, then you have a problem. Do you flit from one relationship into another in days? You have never been alone, you date every day. You end one relationship and don’t give yourself time to be alone and you jump right into the next one? STOP! Slow down. Relationships won’t fill up the neediness you are feeling. Learn to be by yourself. If you can’t stand being by yourself, how do you expect another human being to stand being with you?
  If you are single, there’s nothing wrong with it. You keep going about your business and fulfilling your destiny. If the people around you can’t see how special you are enough to ask you out, it’s because them the wrong folks, the right one that can see you is on the way.  Enjoy your life and live it till then. Believe me, if you rush in, you’d regret it in the end. You don’t need a man or a woman to help you boost your confidence nor make your life better. If you decide to stop being single and enter into a relationship let it be for the right reasons.  You met a great but not perfect person like you that you’d like to get to know.
  If you have a friend that is never single, help them out. If you are single; there is nothing wrong with you. You are strong and confident. Someone will notice the excellent features someday and want to share in your life, if you get that, awesome.  You decide to be happy, only you can make you happy, so live your life like it’s golden. Being single, doesn’t make you a monster nor does it mean you are lonely and alone. It is your choice. If you choose to be single and wait nothing wrong in that. You’re being quirkyalone.
Or what do you think, is it a crime to be single and not in a relationship?



Wednesday, October 16, 2013

THE WOMEN BEATERS









 The heart they say is a bitch and it decides whom it loves. Is it true? Don't we have a say in which human we fall in love with? When it goes awry and we choose someone stupid that falls short of our mark or breaks our hearts, we blame it on the heart. We had no choice in it. Is that the truth? We all hate to take the fall and admit we made a mistake, a stupid one at that so we look for someone to blame. In this case, we blame a tiny mass of muscles and arteries called the heart. Is the heart really the evil mastermind we make it out to be? Does it decide whom we love for us?
  Imagine a friend, dating a guy who beats her every time, blaming it on love. She cannot leave because she is madly in love with him.
  When Princess and Isaac first met, Isaac was charming and sweet. He paid attention to her, bought her gifts, took her out to exciting places. To be brief, he treated her like a real princess. As a girl and a human being, she fell for him. He was rich and successful at a young age. He already had an MBA and his own business. A few months into the relationship, she was over at his place for the weekend. They had a little tiff over her using his cell phone and forgetting to tell him when a call came in. They argued and before she knew it, he slapped her. According to her, he apologized repeatedly and bought her a gift to show how sorry he was. When she told her friend Edna about it, Edna did not want to hear what caused the argument; all she heard was

 ‘HE SLAPPED ME!’

 That sentence kept reverberating in her head. She gave Princess the best advice she could as a friend,

‘Run like the wind before it’s too late.’

 She said no that he loved her and she deserved it for what she did. Some months later, she came to visit Edna wearing the darkest shades Edna had ever seen. It was darker than Ray Charles’ was. She refused to take it off but when she did, Edna screamed. Her face was black and blue. It was so obvious because she is fair in complexion. Edna picked up her bag ready to go give Isaac a piece of her mind with male friends that would beat him up. Princess held her back so she could explain to her what had happened.  She told her that she had gone to a fast food with Kelvin a mutual friend of theirs, when Isaac walked in with his friend, he saw her and stormed out the fast food. (Edna thanked God he did not make a scene at least.) She got to his place. She tried to explain to him that Kelvin was just a friend. He gave her three blows to the face. Edna stood up again ready to go over there and give the bastard a piece of her mind but she pleaded with her not to. She said Edna would make things worse, besides they had made up and he was sorry. That he is so in love with her that the thought of her being with another man drove him into a rage. Edna could not help saying,

 ‘Inferior, insecure man baby!’

Edna also could not believe her ears; she took a good look at her friend again baffled.

‘A man beats you up and you make excuses for him and to crown it all you pin it on LOVE?'

Edna tried so hard to make her understand that it was not right.

'A man who loves and respects you would not dare lay a finger on you.'

She tried to make Princess understand that it was not her fault, she deserved better and he might kill her one day. Princess refused to listen and told her if she would not get off the case, she would never come around anymore so Edna dropped it. Princess went back to him and Edna died a little bit because she was scared she knew what would happen.
  Few weeks later, Princess called Edna up. They hooked up at a restaurant, Princess was so excited. She was really glowing. They were eating when Edna noticed it finally, a sparkling diamond engagement ring. Edna knew she was supposed to be all giddy with joy and scream congratulations but she was sad. She was about getting married to a woman beater. Edna could not bring it up that day so she waited until the next.
  Edna reminded her of the previous incidents. As expected, Princess went into his defense that he was not bad because he laid his hands on her just twice a year. She caused the beating. It was her fault and she had forgotten all about it. He had promised her it would never happen again. Edna tried to reason with her again to no avail.
  A week later, Edna receives a call from Kelvin to inform her that Princess was in the hospital. She drove over. Princess was in the ICU. Her face was a mess, she had two broken ribs and she had miscarried thanks to the beating. Edna broke down in tears when she saw her. Princess' father had Isaac arrested but he was soon released thanks to his father, who was a former chief justice. Edna was happy that Princess did not marry Isaac because she might have just ended up dead.
  Princess kept asking Edna why she never noticed Isaac had a temper and was a woman beater. Edna could not tell her 'I told you so.' but was she blind all this while not to have noticed it. Princess blamed it on love once more, saying,

'You don’t choose whom you love. The heart has a mind of its own.'

 That was the time Edna lost it.

 'That’s just some excuse. The guy seemed perfect, showered you with gifts, attention and everything else a girl desired. To top it, he is young and handsome, so of course you chose him. YOU did, not your heart. So, don’t blame it on your heart. He laid his hands on you the first time and you stayed. He tried it again the second time and you loved him. If not that you lost your baby and nearly died, you would still be with him, so spare me all that love crap.'

 Isaac came begging days later, Princess almost went back to him but her parents forbade the relationship and threatened to disown her if she went back to him. Edna couldn't blame them because children were supposed to bury their parents and not the other way round. Until this day, Edna thanks God for her friend's life because she is sure she would have been dead by now if she were married to him.
  Now you see what I am talking about, she refused to take any blame for choosing this man but blames it on the heart. If she had died tomorrow or lost a part of her body, she would say she never saw it coming when the signs were there. Women beaters are a special crop of men whom I call insecure men with an acute case of inferiority complex. It starts with a slap, and then they will apologize and tell you they love you too much that they find it hard to control themselves and would not have touched you if you had not done what you did. Mind you, the apology comes with a gift but he would say all this. You end up believing him because you do not know what to say. You refuse to believe he is bad and you do this because you do not want to rock the boat. He would leave you for a while. The second time, he will increase from one slap to three or four. He tells you the same thing all over again. This time you will be the one apologizing because you bought the crap he told you the first time. If someone asks you what happened, you will say you fell down or you hit your face when you walked into the door. You become an expert liar for him. When he sees you are still hanging around, only God will save you the next time because he was just testing the waters with the previous two. The next one thanks to the fact that he knows you love him and you’d always forgive him and stick around , he’ll beat you within an inch of your ‘precious’ life. If you ask me, that was what happened to our dear Rihanna when Chris Brown beat her black n blue.
  There are two types of them we have the physical beater which is the most common and we have the emotional/ psychological beater; this is the worse type , they kill your self esteem and your spirit, to them you are good for nothing and you start to believe it. If you find yourself in this situation, one advice, RUN!!! Run like a bat out of hell before it is too late. If you have a friend in this jam, it is time you called an intervention for her before she dies. If it’s a colleague at work, a course mate in school, a neighbor who always has a shiny, you can do something to help them, reach out. Remember, not all that glitters are gold. That shiny, suave, debonair exterior may be the costume for a monster hiding within.
  If a guy slaps you, do not ever take it lying low. It is better to be single, happy and alive. It is that simple. Sad thing is there are women who buy this kind of men as the definition of love. Some of these women were brought up in families with abusive fathers, were raped and have so much psychological trauma that it seems normal to them. You would even meet one that keeps dating women beaters. She is like a magnet to them. These women might be successful in their careers but stay with this. They need your help and support. They need to build their inner self confidence. No woman confident internally and knows her real worth as a woman, a woman that respects herself and demands respect wouldn't stand for this. Show them love and counsel women who are victims of women beaters. They always have injuries, pain in some body part (some men beat women in non visible parts of the body) and always have a ready excuse for their injury or pain. Please, look around you today and save a life. Thank you!



Friday, September 20, 2013

LOVE AND OUR NOTIONS


Kima was beautiful and brainy. The two Bs she had them. She was twenty seven and wasn’t in a hurry to settle. She hadn’t found the right man yet. She met Steve and after a while she met Ola. She was in love with Steve but she couldn’t let go of Ola. Her friends, Chioma and Rachael decided to help her out, so they called for a sleepover with ice-cream and a movie. They asked her who she was in love with.
‘I’m in love with Steve, always will be.’
Kima dug deep into the ice-cream bowl and continued,
‘But I can’t lose Ola.’
‘Girl, you can’t keep the two. You have to make a choice fast....’  Rachael spoke up
‘Or you end up losing thee two of them.’ Chioma completed.
‘I know but it’s not that easy. I can’t explain it.’
‘Kima, that’s why we are here. Try and explain it to us and to yourself.’  Chioma soothed.
Kima took a deep breath and some ice-cream and went on,
‘Ola is like my best friend. I can let my hair down with him. We play a lot together. I can tell him anything and he won’t judge me. He knows the right things to say and do. We are just in sync. We have this connection. He makes me laugh, smile and makes me feel good about myself.’
Rachael and Chioma looked at themselves and back at Kima, they were speechless. Racheal found her voice,
‘And what does Steve do to you?’
‘I’m in love with Steve. He makes me want to be a better me. It’s like we compete most times. I always feel like I have to try so hard to match up to him because he’s perfect. He pushes me. He’s the man I love. I can’t explain it, he’s like a challenge and he makes me feel all giddy inside like a school girl.’
‘Wait, that’s ..that’s all...what... th’ Chioma sputtered
Rachael took Kima’s hand, ‘Babe, what’s your definition of love?’
‘Wait, before you answer that, let me remind you that these two guys are both successful in their fields. They are ok, wealthy.’
‘C’mon Chioma, I knew that already. They are my friends. Well, love is a feeling you can’t describe. You get butterflies in your belly thinking about the person. He makes you feel indescribable. You just want to do your best to please them and make them happy. That’s it and Steve makes me feel that way.’
Chioma stood up and looked at her like she was mad.
‘What about you? And if you were so in love with Steve, why did you add Ola to your list and your bed? Think about it. Shouldn’t you settle with your best friend, some one that makes you happy, smile? Kima, think about this very well. If you ask me Ola is it.’
‘Chioma, let her be. She’s the one in the relationships. It’s her choice to make.’
‘Oh Rachael stop it. I know you agree with me. You are thinking exactly what I’m thinking. She’s our friend and she needs to hear the truth. Kima, love shouldn’t make you compete. Love is not hard, it shouldn’t be. Love shouldn’t make you feel like you are not good enough or you have to work harder to please. Why do you think I got married to Edwin? He’s my Ola.’
‘Ermm, Chioma I can say I understand what you mean but I don’t. What I have with Steve has always been my dream. It is what I understand love to be and I’ve been looking for it. He also fits the image of my dream man. He’s a great guy, you’ll see.’
‘That means you’ll drop Ola. What’s wrong with him? Is it because he doesn’t give you butterflies?’
‘Chioma stop!’
‘Rachael if you won’t talk then let me. Kima, please answer.’
‘I don’t know, Chi . I just know I feel lightheaded with Steve.’
‘Ok! How’s the sex on both sides?’
‘Jesus, chioma!’
‘We are not kids here. She’s obviously sleeping with them both.’
‘People, I’m in the room you know.’
‘Yes we do. How’s the sex?’
‘I haven’t thought about that but now you asked, Ola gives me orgasms, Steve not so much but he’s good in bed.’
‘Yet he doesn’t take his time to wait for your climax.’
‘Christ, Chioma, what’s gotten into you?’
‘I’m saving our dear friend from a divorce and a very unhappy marriage. I’m done playing bad cop, you take over.’
The girls burst into laughter.
‘Chioma, thank you for trying to help me but Steve loves me too. Besides, he fits my notions on love.’
‘I wish I could find a guy like Ola.’ Rachael whispered to herself.
The girls continued with their movie, each filled with their thoughts on the matter called love.

  If you read that piece above, don’t go into the usual ‘women are confused story.’ That is not my intent. My intent is to show you everyone has different notions on love. I have heard and seen men with the most ridiculous dreams on what their perfect spouse should be like. Ladies do same too. We often leave the people that are our 80 and choose our 20 because we know no better on love.
  You see guys that leave getting married to their best friends and then when they have issues in their marriage, they run to their best friends and complain. They can’t tell their wives certain things but they can tell this female friend. Lots of ladies do the same too. You just end up cheating on your spouse emotionally because you have someone else and not them as your best friend.
  All I’m saying is check your notions on love. You might have the perfect person in front of you, hanging on as a best friend that you tell all to but you don’t see them because you have some wrong notion of how love should be. Every relationship, even marriage is a partnership, that’s why it works with your friend. If you can’t talk to the person that should be your ‘better half’, the person that should be your partner against the travails and ill winds in the world, then why in hell’s name did you marry that person?
  So I ask; what are your notions on love?


Thursday, September 12, 2013

FEEDING THE GREEN EYED MONSTER


  It’s amazing when you pause to study human nature. Remember the story in the bible of the rich man with plenty lambs and the poor man who had one ewe that he loved and treated as his child. A guest came to visit this man with a flock but he didn’t kill his, he took the poor man’s only lamb and killed it. Don’t you just wonder about it sometimes? It wasn’t just greed that prompted that rich man to take the poor man’s only lamb, it wasn’t power, and it was a human emotion called envy.
But then you ask how can a man with plenty envy a man who has just one? Well, let me start with a story maybe you’d understand.
 In the neighbourhood everyone knew Wale, he was doing ok. He had money and more to spare. He had a duplex to himself and an expensive car. He was successful in his field and got lots of jobs. Other dudes in the neighbourhood placed him highly. He bought drinks and stuff for them. His house was always a meeting place. None of the other guys really had jobs or a car like he did.
  Femi was one of such guys. He always followed his friends to Wale’s. Femi had dreams but he had no money and no job. He was still squatting at a friend’s place. He was hustling hard but nothing was working.
  Wale knew Femi was squatting at a friend’s and had nothing.
  Femi was good at sculpting but being fresh out of school, he had no money for materials and other needed things. One day, he heard about an international sculpting competition that involved prize money. Femi borrowed money and got materials and did his best work. He won and got the money and the recognition. All the guys in the neighbourhood were happy for Femi. They spread the news round, wale heard about it.  Femi’s life changed a bit. Jobs came his way and he was able to move to move to a one room apartment where he worked from and got a small used car to help him convey his materials and other finished products.
Femi’s friends were going to Wale’s place and he went along. Wale asked him about the award and how business was going, Femi excited regaled to him the experience and how it felt travelling to England where the award was given to him as he beat works from all over the world. Wale went into a daze, someone had to call his name and when asked what was wrong, he said nothing. Femi continued with the experience. The other dudes present hailed him and made him buy them drinks to celebrate his win. Femi bought everyone drinks including Wale.
One day, all the dudes met, Wale asked a question and Femi answered. Wale went into a tirade.
‘You don’t know how to talk. Who do you think you are exactly? We are not age mates so mind how you talk to me. We are not even in the same class. Is it because I’m still living in this neighbourhood with you? I was meant to move to Lekki but I decided to stay here. Let me tell you, you are not in my class and you will never be in my class.’ Femi kept apologizing even though he couldn’t understand what was wrong in what he said to have elicited such a reaction. Wale stormed out. The other guys gave different excuses for no one could understand the outburst.
Femi and Wale had never had issues personally. Wale still had more money and property fifty times over than Femi had. Femi never tried to match up to Wale, so what caused this outburst of Wale’s?
Wale had seen Femi in his lowest. He was the guy that had nothing that he dashed money to once in a while. He never saw Femi as a competition. He never believed Femi would rise. They talk together and he never saw Femi’s words as insulting or he trying to compete with him but behold that dude he gave money to was popular all of a sudden, doing something he wasn’t doing. He had won an international award and was invited to England for the ceremony. He was good at something, he was getting jobs, he now lived alone even though it was a one room apartment and he had a car even though tis a cheap used car. To top it all, he could buy drinks for everyone. Wale didn’t mean to but he took more notice of Femi and something grew a huge dislike. He started weighing Femi’s words, checking their meanings, he felt Femi was trying to match up to him, displace him. He might not have known he was doing this but Femi turned from being that insignificant dude to someone who had something and would try to rub it in his face, so he had to remind him of his past and put him in his place, even though that past was fast changing. There was absolutely no need to be envious but Wale couldn’t help himself.
   You have seen it happen around you to other people or maybe you but you never took note. The real thing is there is enough space for everyone to succeed. That you know someone down today doesn’t mean they’d stay there forever. We all have different paths and as they say: ‘If God is blessing your neighbour, it means He is in the neighbourhood’. So wish the person well. Don’t try telling people you are better than them or they’d never be in your class. Of course they can’t be in your class because your class is yours. They will be in their class not even thinking about you. So, be careful of that green eyed monster when he comes around you. There’s space for, you, me and everyone else to make it in this life and we all need each other to grow. Do you think Femi will ever forget what Wale told him? What if tomorrow, Wale needs Femi’s help for something? We just use some stupid notion of age and class to drag ourselves down. How old were the technology billionaires in the world when they made it from nothing? Age is nothing but a number and class is manmade and in your head, all subject to change.
  Don’t feed the green eyed monster. He is worthless and doesn’t deserve to be fed.