KISS AND TELL LIES

  

Oke was in love. He ran home and informed his family and they were making plans to go to Cecilia’s next week to formally ask for her hand in marriage. He informed all his guys and cousins that he

THE LITTLE ROOM

  They say pride goes before a fall. It doesn’t necessarily equate a fall. It’s just that we make lots of unnecessary things important. Funny thing is most times it’s only in our heads. It’s our prejudiced perceptions of situations that create pride. We let things cloud our heads and judgement. Let me give examples.

 Thomas is well educated and has a PhD. He has no job. Wait, he has gotten job offers but he’s waiting for the right offer. Every other job is beneath him. He can’t do that. What would people even say if they heard besides, his self pride won’t

THE RULES

  

 There are rules that have been passed down for as long as society has been in existence. They have been tried and

IF MEN ARE HUNTERS...

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We have all heard this cliche sentence, it falls on both genders but i will look at it as it's been used for generations.

If men are hunters what

THE SIDECHIC

Blast from 2017. Enjoy!

HOW TO CHANGE PEOPLE

Did this in 2017. Just had to bring it back.

WE FELL IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT

   I have always pondered on that phrase. Some people swear by it. That they met someone without

SHE MAKES THE FIRST MOVE

It’s been a long time I wrote anything here.

  I don’t know how this works in other parts of the world but I can only speak for Nigeria. The little I have seen or heard so far.

  It’s a modern world. Women

THE NICE GIRL FLIRT

  Back in my university days, met this dude during our orientation. We became friends, did the orientation together. Well, he

Heart and Love: LOVE AND JEALOUSY

  Ije had had her bad luck with men. She’d seen them all and she was tired. Luckily ,Love wasn’t done with her. Jesse came along and

Heart and Love: WHEN THEY LOVE YOU NO MORE

Growing up, I could never understand when I saw in the movies, TV shows, magazines etc., people saying that they don’t love someone anymore. That thing just

ALL MEN CHEAT

  The title wasn't my speech. I was on my own trying to mind my business and my overactive ears picked up a conversation tables away.
  The lady was in tears, telling her friends about how she had caught her guy cheating; she'd found explicit chats and what not between him and other girls.
  Her friends consoled her and told her to have expected it, that all men cheat and it's in a man's nature to cheat. They are all like

SHE STOLE MY MAN

She stole my man could also be, he stole my woman or she stole my woman, lol.

  You’re in a relationship, marriage or you feel there’s some connection between you two. You’re happy everything is going really well then suddenly there’s a change in your partner’s behaviour; he doesn’t call as he used to, he’s always too busy to see you or something else. In some other cases, there’s no change in behaviour and then WHAM! It feels like you got a heavy knock on the head. You make a discovery via a

DATING TODAY=?

In today’s world the word ‘Dating’ has become synonymous to sex and a relationship. Dating used to be a get to know period. A time you ask the important questions and see if you are both compatible then move it a step further towards courtship then marriage.

Dating is the first step for seeking out a life partner. Now, it’s just for the fun of it. No goals, no purpose.

Dating now means, ‘in a relationship’ with someone. Scratch that, ‘in a sexual relationship.’

Well, you see people who are supposedly dating and date for years then they tell you’ I can’t marry her’ , ‘I can’t marry him’.

Why be in a relationship with that person in the first place? Call me old school but dating isn’t an exclusive relationship. I can go on dates and get to know three men or more, ask questions, study them all.  If any fits, we move on to courtship. I don’t understand why people do things without purpose. Or why dating which is the first step should take years, months and have sex involved in it.

Some guys now, thanks to the times, ask you out, then tell you they want to date you to get you into the stage of we are boyfriend, girlfriend just so they can have sex with you. When you say, you don’t want to have sex, you hear things like;

“What are we dating for?”

“It’s what people who date do.”

“Are you not my girlfriend?”

If you are not ready to get married or not looking for a life-mate what then is your purpose as a man or woman for dating in the first place?

Dating like I said earlier was a get to know period. Sex was never part of it. Throwing sex into it blurs the lines between the dating and courtship period and then you believe you have moved on to courtship and you keep expecting and hoping he marries you.

When you go into it with a purpose, in the first three dates you both have, you should have a better understanding and can tell from the little but important questions to you that you have asked,  if you both align and if you’d consider moving it a step further.

Dating is getting to know if we can and not that we are in a relationship and sex must and should happen.

Asking a lady out on a date is termed romantic because you are interested in her as a woman and you are searching for a life- mate for the future and not because sex is on the table that day and you just want to bang that hot body you see for the months and years you’d be in a relationship. I think you should date with a plan, not for the fun of it and not with the flow. Why date if you are not ready to get married?

Then when the girl you have been sleeping with and have been in a relationship with, that has given you time, affection, care, sex, sometimes money, cleaned and cooked for you for months or years asks you “what’s the plan for the future?”, you run away, end things and say she was trying to force you to marry her or putting on demands, pressure, bla bla bla.  Biko, what was your plan, the timeline in the first place?

Dating should be a time for discovering a little about the life principles and character of the other person and it shouldn’t take months. You can date more than one man or woman when it’s platonic and it’s just get to know.

Maybe, I’m the one who is confused by today’s world were certain words have lost their true meanings and have become diluted and now mean something entirely different.

If you decide you want to date but don’t have marriage or forever in view or you just want to have sex and fun, ask the person you are planning on doing that with if they want the same thing. If you are both on the same page, have at it. Tomorrow, you won’t hear talks on marriage from him or her.

I think I’ll talk about the term ‘Hanging out’ in my next post.

Thank you for reading my thoughts. What are yours?

THE LOVE CALCULATOR

   Relationships are sometimes pretty hard between two people. There will always be disagreements and misunderstandings but one thing about all that is, it can break or make the relationship. You either break up or you make up and are stronger from it. Yes, most times we battle the fear of the unknown that comes with being in a relationship, the uncertainty especially because of past experiences and things heard or seen from the environment. Not knowing where a relationship is headed can be nerve wracking. No one wants their time and emotions to be wasted. No one wants to be taken advantage of. Sometimes cause of it people tend not to give their all or they just clam up with the notion that if anything happens then they won’t feel utterly terrible.

   Once in a while we expect our relationships to turn out the way the movies, magazines, novels say they should. We expect it to follow a certain pattern and also expect our partners to do what everyone else would do. E.g. ‘it’s Valentine’s Day so you should get me a gift, take me out to a candle lit dinner and spend time with me no matter what.’ If it doesn’t go that way, does it mean your partner doesn’t love you or care about you? Well, men are from mars and women are from Venus. Men tend not to reason that way or see anything special about it but the media has made it that way and most wanting to keep the Lady happy, do what is expected for that day. What then happens to the certain few that do not conform to this? Simple, the ladies keep parting ways with them. 
   Which brings me to a point,’compromise and sacrifice’. Sometimes, they are necessary in a relationship. It is a very important tool. You know your spouse likes the whole Valentine razzmatazz but you personally don’t care about it but you still go out of your way and make that extra effort to keep them happy.  Vice versa, you know your hubby sees Valentine as nothing, he may even forget it. In the end he does as expected but you, Valentine lover as you are try to understand and reason as per his character and you don’t break up. You reason it doesn’t mean he has no love for you, he shows it on every other day. You try not to expect your relationship to be like another that her hubby bought her an Aston Martin for Valentine. You see there is compromise and sacrifice on both ends if they decide to. It’s a hard thing to do but it keeps things going.

   Let’s look at it his way, Valentine’s Day wasn’t originally made for lovers but the media and corporate bodies have built a multibillion dollar network on it. They have made huge sums from painting an image of love that has to do with gifts. If you don’t buy gifts for your partner then you don’t love them. Valentine’s Day is a day to measure the love your partner has for you depending on what kind of gift they buy for you. If they love you they’d do so and so. It’s become commercialized but hey what lady doesn’t like romance and gifts? Even, the toughest lady wants it, to feel that craze that Valentine’s Day has to offer.  We have been trained right from the days of reading ‘Mills and Boons’ that romance is to be expected. This is what it should be, so we buy the Valentine Day story, so if you want to keep and make us happy, go out of your way to do it. Romance has been defined in various forms by the media; A box of chocolates, Flowers especially red roses, a candle lit dinner and not just any dinner, expensive gifts, then a night of lovemaking but don’t forget to spread rose petals on the bed and light up scented candles. Is that now the definition of love? If you don’t get the above on that day then your spouse doesn’t love you. Most men now push all that down to just Valentine’s Day. Shouldn’t it be everyday or when you feel like? Should your gift giving be now restricted to only Valentine’s Day, Christmas and birthdays?

   This takes me briefly to another thought, ‘comparison’. We begin to compare our relationships to that of others. Well, not just to theirs but to what is expected.
’ If he doesn’t do it like Femi did for Titi then it means he doesn’t love me’.
 ‘If he did he would go out of his way to make the day special for me.’ 
‘Valentine’s day, he is meant to take me out and spend time with me, get me a gift.’ 
Guys should take note here, in most cases this leads to a break up, don’t forget about sacrifices. Women love romance. Ok, I have another thought. ‘that Femi did all that for Titi does it mean he really loves and cares about her and doesn’t have a lady elsewhere or that they will stay together forever?’ No it doesn’t! It’s been proven that most women get fooled on Valentine’s Day. Smart guys use the whole romance razzmatazz to create a notion of true love. If he wants to get her, Valentine’s Day is perfect; all he has to do is put on a little show. I’m not a love cynic but it’s the truth. It’s just done because it is what is expected or people expect something. Thanks to the false interpretation of love on Valentine’s Day the case of young unmarried teenage pregnancies goes up after this period. It’s said that women go by what they hear but on this day, actions have to speak louder than words so buckle up. Failure to do this,

   Brings in the third parties, friends who help in defining what you just did or didn’t do. Believe me a break up is eminent because if you did nothing or little  then you don’t love her, don’t care about her, take her for granted, she means little to you and God forgive you if you are not in town even if it’s for a genuine reason, she is the side ho. You travelled to be with the number one. Well, instead of talking to friends about it, why not just tell the dude what Valentine’s Day means to you, even the dumbest guy or one who doesn’t give a hoot about the day would go out of his way to make it up to youI don't mean nag about it or complain and sing it all day. Drop hints or say it out straight once. They’d know how you feel about it but hey, what do i know? Yes, people are meant to know like duh, it’s THE DAY, the news about it is everywhere, and sadly some people need to be told. Yes, I said the impossible, actually saying how you feel about it to your partner but that’s communication or isn’t it.

   Finally, your friends aren’t in the relationship with you. Don’t let one day be the judge of your love for each other. I am not asking you to make excuses or make yourself unhappy. You should sit down and check not the things that your partner has said to you and how they said it but their actions. Actions show love. Their actions excluding that day they didn’t live up to and what it shows you. What’s important is how they make you feel by the way they treat you. Besides, you should know your partner better so ask yourself what he/she is really like. How does he/she treat you? And then if you know what they like, going out of your way to do it, would make your partner appreciate you more. If they have a tendency to forget, find out if you can deal with the tendency or not or if forgetting that day ruins every good deed done. Say how you feel. Yes, it does hurt. We all are scared of being too understanding and being fooled and taken for a ride. Everyone shares that fear both, men and women alike.  But, hey, everything is a risk or better put an experiment and no one prays for either to fail, so, Que sera sera. It can go any way so if it’s on the end it side, let it be the right reason, should Valentine’s Day be your love calculator?
  Yeah Valentine's day is next Saturday but seeing this old article you're reading got me thinking again. Don't wait till Valentine's day to show someone you love them. Life is a gift that can be taken away in any moment. Live it. 
  Cheers! Love yourself first and every other thing shall be added unto you. *wink* .
Love, Frances. 

P.S: These are my thoughts on it not a rule You mustn't agree. I don't know it all.

Happy St Valentine's day in advance!

 http://youtu.be/GCHxMX9WaNc

                                                            

SEARCHING FOR JOHNNY 5 (fiction)

   Blind dates are officially the worst.

   Why did I let Kels drag me into going on this one? I don’t do blind dates, ever. Tessa, calm down. Just smile at him and pretend you’re interested.

   Did Kels, even look at this guy before setting me up with him? She knows the kind of guys I like. Yes, that I’m looking for my Johnny, husband, hubby, whatever, doesn’t mean I should be set up with this. My tastes haven’t changed. That I’ve decided to stick to a person doesn’t mean he should look like this. Oh, wait o, Tessa, is Kels trying to say that I have to settle, that only guys who look like this one will be willing to marry me.

   Hian!

   The restaurant is nice though, so is this yummy plate of Pasta Alfredo. Yum yummy yum! This man before me not yum, one bit. To think I wore my favourite LBD for this thing.

   I’m going to bitch slap Kels when next I see her. I’m sure she’s laughing her heart off. Wait, was Uzo in on this? I’ll kill them both. Who needs besties anyway?

   Tessa, smile again, so he’d think you’re listening; nod your head too in interest. Perfect! He bought it.

I should get the recipe of this pasta from the chef, it’s heavenly.

   I like men. Ok, I love men and that’s just for their basic equipment which my new dildo seems to be handling the job quite well. I don’t love all men that much I know. I like my men tall, well built and most importantly well hung. I’ve never really cared about the brain matter but I do now, if I’m going to be spending forever with one.  This man is a funny caricature of my perfect man; he’s short, round and ugly, I’m sure his little Johnny, penis, sausage, wiener; (lol) is as tiny as my little finger. To top it all off he’s a woman wrapper.

What does woman wrapper mean again sef? Not that he chases women, the opposite; he won’t just shut the fuck up about his ex. Jeez! Kels owes me big time.

   I come on a date to be the centre of attention and the guy; look at him, then take a slow good look at me (lol), who’s meant to be grateful to have been set up on a date with a gorgeous goddess like moi, has spent the past one hour of dinner talking about some girl, I don’t care to remember her name.

   Ok Tessa, give him another, I’m listening smile. What! No, no is he about to....this grown up man is crying. Na wa o! I wish I could disappear from here. People are beginning to stare. I will kill Kels! Tessa, touch his arm, say something, ok, do something. I’ve never seen grown men cry.

‘It’s ok.’ I patted his arm

‘No, it’s not!’ he’s crying harder.

   Mehn, this is not just it. The girl must have do am strong thing. Wait, wetin be his name again? He said it then...OC? Nope! OJ? Nope! Owu? Olu! That’s it.

‘Olu, I don’t think she deserves you.’

‘I’m the one that didn’t deserve her!’

   Chai! His cry have increase o. Tessa do something. I’m not Dr Phil, Oprah or some relationship expert. Which kain wahala be dis one? I’ve got it.

‘Olu, you’re a successful, good looking and honest man. You’re in touch with your feminine side. A lot of women will die to have a man like you.’

   I should win an Oscar or Join Nollywood. Tessa, idi good. His Niagara Falls is drying up.

‘Really?’

‘Yes! Who wouldn’t want a man like you?’

‘But Onyinye left me for him.’

‘That’s her loss.’

   I wouldn’t mind another plate of Pasta. Tessa focus! He just said something.

‘I’m serious Olu. Let’s bet it, she’ll come running back.’

   I hope this lie doesn’t haunt me. He’s shown me a picture of the man she left him for. If it were me, I will never come back to Humpty Dumpty (lol). Tessa Focus!

‘You really think so?’

   Thank God! His crying has stopped. Why would a man cry for a woman? Maybe her pussy was sweet. Or he never believed he could get that kinda girl. Or he’d spent so much on her. Or he’s just a woman in a man’s body. Wait o, why is he staring at me? Oh, my reply.

‘Yes. Do you know what I think? You should join a gym; build your confidence, so that next time she sees you, she’ll want to die with regret. ‘

   He’s smiling. Awwww!

‘Thank you, Theresa.’

‘You’re welcome. I have something to tell you but you didn’t hear it from me. Kelechi, our mutual friend, I think she likes you.’

‘She does?’

‘She always talks about a certain Olu, who is loving and caring that she likes but he was into some other girl.’

‘I like Kelechi and...

‘Remember, you didn’t hear it from me.’

   His face is lit with hope and purpose. Tessa, you are a miracle worker. This is better than bitch slapping Kels. (Lol)Oh my God! Well played, Tessa. Well played. This will teach her to set me on a date with a man-woman.  When did the waiter get here? Olu’s lips are moving. They are big o. Tessa, focus!

‘....do you care for?’

‘Care for?

‘I was asking if you’d like anything else.’

‘Yes, please. Another plate of this Pasta Alfredo and a ginger cocktail.’

   Olu smiles again. Well, it wasn’t a disaster after all, I feel good about myself. Thirty minutes and I’m out of here. What’s he saying again?

‘Can we be friends?’

‘Of course we can, Olu.’

   HELL NO! Where’s the waiter with the food?



You reading, you do understand that all content on this site are copyrighted, my intellectual property and can’t be lifted off into any other form of media? Ok, we’re cool. 

SEARCHING FOR JOHNNY 4 (fiction)

‘Tessa what are you doing here o? ‘

   I hate going to the mall in the evening. It’s always like a market square, ok, worse than that.  It’s four pm and yet... I don’t know what mum sees in this mall’s bread. She begged me to buy it and now I’ve been told the bread is not ready, I have to wait for two hours. God knows if I leave now, I’d never come back which has led me to this fast food to enjoy this tasteless minced pie.

Uuurggghhh!!!

   Some fast foods should be shut down. Don’t they taste what they...no way...is that? Yes it is. I hope he can’t see me? Nope! Another reason why I hate the mall, you see people you don’t want to see.

   He still looks good. I haven’t seen him in four years. Luke Ogbodo. I would have been married to him; I think or at least dated him if only he’d seen me. Why is my heart beating really fast? Should I go over and say hi before he sees me? Should I hide? Nah! He won’t be able to see me all the way from that fast food across with people passing in the middle.

   Luke was the one guy I ever really liked. We’d known for three years but our relationship never went past the bedroom. Yes God, the sex was great and kinky, really really great. I’m getting wet thinking about it. (Lol). I developed feelings and I told him I liked him, he said he liked me too. I’m never vulnerable, I don’t trust easily and I show no feelings but I did with him. I wanted more than just being fuck buddies. I thought he felt same.  I was invited to a party by a guest and that’s how I met Bola. She could talk sha. I’ve never met anyone that meets you within an hour and downloads her personal file to you.

   One night after three rounds of mind blowing sex, he began to ask me how my day went. I didn’t feel like talking but he kept asking so I told him I ran into a mutual friend called Bola Adeyinka. He sat up fast in bed and asked;

‘I pray you didn’t make me look bad before her? Did you tell her about us?’

   Something died in me that night. I told him no and he went on that he hopes so. I told him she said he likes her that they met at his place two days before and they kissed and stuff. He didn’t deny it. He told me he really liked her that it didn’t mean he didn’t like me too but she’s loving and caring. She’s very playful and fun to chat with. She gets him that he wants to be a friend to her and if I told her about us it would hurt her. She’s had so many bad things happen to her and she’s learning to trust him though her problem was that he had too many girls around him. He wants to be close to her and be someone she can rely on even if they don’t date and he would never hurt her, if they date then it’s God’s will that he really hopes I said nothing.

   I assured him I didn’t because I didn’t and I prayed things work out for them.

   Kels told me I was very stupid that I should have told him the truth. The truth was and is that Bola is bisexual. She was more of a lesbian because she enjoyed sex more with girls. (Lol). I told her nothing about Luke and I and I told Luke nothing about her female lovers.

   Kels insisted then that I should have at least fought for him. I think that’s stupid. I might be a sex freak but I want what my mum and dad had; real love. Someone that likes you and just you, you don’t question if they do or not, it’s evident by their actions besides, who wants to play second fiddle or be a back up for some other girl?

‘Tessa you’re getting emotional o!’

   But it’s true. I want acceptance, some guy that looks at me and knows it’s me he wants. His telling me all that told me the answer I sought; I was just a fuck buddy to him, always was, always will be. She was the ONE to him.

   One thing Kels doesn’t understand till date is, you don’t and should never compete for a guy. That’s going stupid. Choose a person that chooses you. If he wants some other girl, pull out of the picture and let him have her.

‘Tessa you don turn relationship counsellor for your mind. (Lol)’

   Luke and Bola were perfect for each other. He had a saviour complex that only wanted timid pour my problems on you girls that he could save and Bola had the damsel in distress, let me tell you my deepest problems so you can like me syndrome (lol).

   They’ve been married, three years now. I guess Bola realised he was the perfect cover and Luke could never divorce her cause he had an image to protect. Maybe he knew she was bi and thought his mojo and love could save her and be enough (lmfao).

   Kels told me, he found out about Bola’s recent girlfriend, some hot Brazilian chic. He caught them in bed. The news is about town.

   Kels can be funny sometimes, asking me if he comes back for me, would I take him. HELL NO!  Who wants a Tokunbo man? Because the love of your life that you chose turns out to be a mistake, you now remember the poor girl you left behind. Lol!

   I’m six feet of gorgeousness. I’m stubborn,i'm confident, I love sex, I’m crazy, I’m kind and loving if you show it first, I’m a believer of actions not words, anyone who gives up all of this for all of whatever, doesn’t deserve a second of my time.

‘Wait! Did Kels tell him I’ll be here????’

   Thank God, he’s leaving. He’s aged ten years in just three years. I pity him...pity! That’s why my heart was beating fast. Poor Luke!

   I have a blind date next tomorrow. All part of my Johnny quest thanks to Uzo and Kels who sings I have to meet men, go on dates. (Lol)

‘I wonder what he’d be like. There are lots of crazy men in this town sha.’

One hour more to burn here before the infamous bread gets ready. Tessa, you should have just seen a movie.

You reading, you do understand that all content on this site are copyrighted, my intellectual property and can’t be lifted off into any other form of media? Ok, we’re cool. 

SEARCHING FOR JOHNNY 3 (fiction)

  Hmmmm! That feels really good. Just a little bit to the left, now right. I’m almost there. Oh this is it. Dear God! This is.....What the fuck?

  Tessa, rearrange fast.

‘No work today?’

‘Mum, you can’t just enter my room like that now.’

  God, please don’t let her see James. I’d do hundred Hail Mary’s. I’ll even sweep the church for a month. This woman should go now. She’s still standing there, looking at me suspiciously.

‘What?’

‘You look feverish. Tessa are you sick?’

  Is she reaching out to tuck me in? James!

‘No! I’m fine mummy. I slept late that’s why.’

‘Nne, you work too hard. Let me warm the leftover pepper soup for you.’

‘Mum don’t stress yourself.’

  Why is she laughing?

‘If I don’t take care of you, is it your dead father I’ll take care of?’

‘Mummy!’

‘Don’t move. I’ll be back with the soup.’

  Pheeew! That was close. I love mum to bits but she has a problem with boundaries. I can just imagine her reaction if she’d seen James, my giant dildo inside me as she opened the door. (Laugh). Thank God for bed sheets and duvets.

  I’d agreed with my besties; Uzo and Kels, to hold on for the right guy. Well, doesn’t mean I can’t have sex any other way. A dildo isn’t a man. Is using a dildo, fornication? Nah! It isn’t a person, no sin here. Now, where was I? This battery better not die on me today.

That feels.....Not again!

  My virginal sister, arms akimbo, disapproving look on her face staring down at me.

‘Is it that everyone in this house has a problem with knocking?’ I thundered as I dove for cover.

‘Tessa, you shouldn’t use that demonic thing.’

  Is she about to cry?

‘What demonic thing?’

  Let’s see if she can say the name.

‘That thing!’ She pointed at James.

‘What thing Joan?’

Ok, Tessa, no laugh. So, because person na virgin, im no fit call Peepee, Penis, Toto, Junior, Dick...Tessa, concentrate.

‘Can’t you say it?’

‘That disgusting thing!’

  Ok, time to push. Let me put it in my mouth. If it was possible for Joan to have a heart attack at twenty-seven, she just did.

‘Tessa!!!!!’

  The door swung open at her shrieking. Mum dropped the pepper soup on seeing me. Chai! What lie do I tell now?

                            ******************************************

‘Theresa!’

That’s my, you’re in trouble name.

‘Yes ma.’

  I use ma when I know, I’m in trouble.

‘What was that thing in your mouth?’

  We gather round the dining table whenever anyone’s in trouble. If I could slap Joan without arousing suspicion, I for brush am teytey. See her eyes like cat own. I’m sure she’s dying to see how I get out of this. My mum still thinks I’m a virgin.

‘Theresa, I’m talking to you.’

  Mum looks prettier angry. How come I’ve never noticed?

‘Mum, it’s her thing?’

‘Thing for?’ my mum asked.

‘It’s my cheek massager.’

  If Joan doesn’t close her shocked mouth, I swear, I’ll slap her for real.

‘Cheek massager kwa?’

‘Yes mum. Remember I told you I was tired. I had pains round my tooth and my cheeks hurt, so it helps with the pain.’

  Hmmm! If my mum, knew what she’s inspecting all over was the oyibo version of a penis that can do things (laugh).

‘Don’t put it in your mouth!’ Joan screamed.

‘Mum, it can’t be shared.’

‘Ehen!’

‘Yes ma!’ Joan and I replied.

‘It’s like a toothbrush, it can’t be shared.’ I added

‘Why does it look like a man’s organ?’

  Mum try pass Joan sef.

‘You know this oyibo people can be funny.’

  We laughed different shades of laughter. Lol!

‘In that case, buy me one for Father Sixtus. His toothache......’

  Ok, I’m in my head again and I’ve zoned out. Joan looks like she’s about to puke. Dear God, what will be the headline:  “REV FR. CAUGHT WITH DILDO IN MOUTH, CALLS IT CHEEK MASSAGER”

Tessa, think, think.

‘It’s out of stock! Joan to the rescue.

‘Yes mum, it is. They were checking the reception in the Nigerian market.’ I buttressed.

‘Ok dear. Joan, no work?’

‘It’s public hol.’

‘Good! Tessa, go back to bed, let me make fresh pepper soup.’

Ok, let me warn Joan with my eyes before she spills. She’ll get the message. Perfect! She did.

  I’m taking a sex break on men and now my James is on one too. There’s Mr Right out there, but where?
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Check me out in this short film:  https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KEggln4eyNQ

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Please vote for my friends nominated for the AMVCAs i beg thee. Voting ends this saturday 28th February at midnight.

Kehinde Bankole( the pretty dimpled cheek teacher in October 1) for best actress in a drama  https://connect.dstv.com/4.0.863/en-ZA/Login/?returnUrl=http%3A%2F%2Famvca2015-awards.dstv.com%2FCategory%2F525%2FNominee%2FNominee%2F4905

Wole Ojo (have you seen Maami featuring Funke Akindele. The short film 'Brave'?) for best actor in a Drama http://amvca2015-awards.dstv.com/NomineeCategory/505

Kelechi Udegbe (have you seen the Officer Titus series? He's officer Titus) for best actor in a comedy
http://amvca2015-awards.dstv.com/NomineeCategory/495

Thank you and God bless you as you vote and share with your family, friends and acquaintances. Cheers! 

HOW TO CHANGE PEOPLE

   Change they say is the only constant thing in life. Everything in life goes through a procedure or stages you pick the word you prefer. It is never static. Things move forward, backwards, up, down or sideways, it just has to move. A rock that is in a static position also goes through changes. It doesn’t have to stand up and run. Lol!  Look at the Evolution theory, you and I have come a long way from our Ape days. Let’s visit the Bible; Adam and Eve were naked, then they put on leaves, then the leaves made way for clothes in the time of their children. Then for a while women didn’t wear trousers but now they do and not just that we are reverting back to the Adam and Eve days. What more proof do you need to agree with me that change is constant?
   The right way to have phrased this thought is; ‘Change is the only constant thing in life when it has to do with things, time, fashion and non-humans.’ Change in humans is not constant.

Are you dating a REMORA or are you one????

 You just lost that guy/ girl you thought was the one. He broke your heart into a million pieces and treated you worse than garbage but you still held on till the end because when you first met him he was caring, attentive and flattered you till right about the time you gave up the cookie and WHAM! He changes. You call, text, make trips to his place, sing your love for him but he’s moved on. You sit down in tears dazed by what happened and in walks his friend. He dries your eyes and tells you, you deserve better. That his friend is great but he tried to warn you. He makes you smile and the tears dry up a bit. He listens to you vent and pour out your tears every time and then you begin to see this friend in a new light.  One day, he tells you he’s always had feelings for you but couldn’t say anything because you were dating his friend. Your eyes light up and you sing i lost the wrong one to get the right one. You start seeing each other , you also put out, ‘God bless you ma’am’ . The day you bring up going public and letting his friend know, he says ok. Time passes and nothing happens, it turns into, he can’t do this to his friend. Or he can’t get the images of his friend touching you out of his head. All his friends would talk about it and all that maybe you guys should just stay friends for now until the time is right. Oh don’t get me wrong, some do go public but the relationship always ends.

  It might even be in a reversal ie a girl who broke your heart and her friend swoops in to help you mend it. These people that swoop in are called in my book, a REMORA. Yes, i can hear your brain wheels turning. What is a remora, Frances?

  “A remora fish attaches itself to the belly of a shark. It travels everywhere the shark goes. It eats any parasites on the shark which helps keep the shark clean. It also eats any leftover food from the shark.”

So let me help you break it down further.

  The shark in this equation is that alpha male or female that is handsome, successful and full of themselves (they are sha good at something) and they know it, they can get any girl or guy.

  The remora is their best friend or friend who you see them with everywhere and basks in their shine. These are the shy, not visibly awesome enough friend of the shark ( who says they aren’t handsome but you know what i mean) They don’t have the balls to have you so they wait for their shark friend to have you first. They even help you fall into their friend’s trap because they know they’d be getting you later.

  Who’s the leftover? I’m sorry sugar, you are. Yes, YOU, don’t look behind, you are the shark’s remains. You are in a vulnerable and confused state. Your confidence and oomph has gone down a little, ok maybe a whole lot. *smile*. The shark has left you dazed and in this state you need comforting even from a tiny fish. In swoops the remora *soundtrack playing*

  What service does the remora offer to their shark friend you ask? Come on it is glaring already. They take you off their friend’s back. You don’t belittle yourself with many text messages and go after the shark with a knife or make his life hell as he enjoys his new meal. They also make you feel good about yourself and listen to you vent and cry, they offer you their handkerchief (for their selfish purposes, hehehehehe!). So, no angry, spiteful, crazy you goes after their shark. In return for their service, they have you, the juicy leftover on their plate.

P.S: The shark knows his remora friend had you or will do (they’ve been friends for years and you’re not his first kill.) He either has the shark’s blessings to enjoy his left over or the shark works with him so he can get leftovers later. The PERFECT symbiotic friendship.  A do me, i do you team.

  Guys and ladies, have you ever met one? Think long and hard. Aha! Yes he or she was one. You might even be seeing one now, you can thank me later for saving you the stress *winks*

  Oh and if you just read this and found out that you are a remora, email me for private counselling. How does it feel to be second place and not be a man or woman but enjoy what someone else has had? You need total psych evaluation sha, Mr. and Mrs. second fiddle. Well, on behalf of your sharks, thank you, you’ve done a great job and still are. Get out of their shade and man up; I trained you better than that. Lmao!

  Please feel free to drop your questions, comments and answers below. If you’re not sure you have a remora on your hands, share your story and let’s help you decipher. You think you might be a remora *eyes widen* and you’re not sure, hmmm, share let’s be the judge of that. Either ways, have a beautiful love filled life. Love yourself first and every other thing shall follow suit.

P.S it feels great writing this not inspirational article. *runs away* *comes back* I’m still here for thee. http://youtu.be/GCHxMX9WaNc