Welcome to another episode of ‘What My Heart Learnt with Frances’
THE IMPERFECT PERFECT PARENT is my topic for today.
I have stated
before in my 'What Parents Can Learn from Annie Idibia' video that the decision
of who to marry is not just about you, but about your children. Looking at the
exterior of “He is handsome, he is rich, he spends money on me, great in bed,
intelligent, etc.,” and “She is beautiful, a great cook, great in bed, makes
money too, educated, etc.” are not reasons enough to marry that person.
Neither is, “He looks after me, buys me whatever I want, etc.”
That man and that woman also need to be ready for parenting.
The choice of who
you marry not only affects your destiny but also the destinies of the children
you would have with that person.
This is when you hear, “He is a terrible husband, but a
loving father.” “She is a great mother, but an awful wife.”
These statements aren’t right. Someone cannot be an awful
husband to you and a perfect father to your daughter or son. The dynamics of your
relationship that the kids see will almost always affect them as adults. Your
relationship with their father or mother as a husband or a wife would form
their first idea and knowledge of what relationships should be like between a
man and a woman. Trust me, children see, they hear, and they know, and it
affects their psychology and emotional growth.
I spoke about daddy issues in the video I mentioned earlier.
I believe some
don’t plan to have kids but do have kids because it is the expected cultural thing,
after marriage or at a certain age, kids should be next. Then, some parents in
some parts of Africa have kids as a retirement plan, someone to take care of
them when they are older. “You don’t know which of my kids would become a
billionaire,” some say. Then some have kids out of loneliness.
Frances Okeke,
what do you mean by this topic? Be straight to the point.
Am I ever straight to the point? Hehehe!
No human is
perfect; the task of having a child is like playing a mini god. You can either
lead this child to a purposeful life or be the one to derail them. I know that
there are great parents who did their absolute best, but the kids turned out terribly.
My point is,
imagine a selfish, imperfect human saddled with the task of not just creating
but having an impact on the life of another human. Many of us don’t read
parenting books, et al, we just go with the flow, and believe that whatever we
dole out as parents will be enough. All it takes to be a parent is to feed,
clothe, and send that child to the best schools, then they will turn out okay.
You know I love stories, as the writer et scriptwriter that
I am, so maybe a story or two would help make this clearer.
Ada and Emeka
fell in love, or so Ada thought, and got married. To Emeka, having a wife and
kids was just the next item to tick off his to do list, after graduation from
the university, getting a good job, and making money. Ada was not really his
spec, but she was available, and he believed she would be a good mother; she
could cook, clean, and take care of the house. She was homely. They had a
daughter named Bree. Other children followed after Bree. Emeka was living the
life; he had a good and prayerful wife, with five children, and mistresses here
and there. All that changed when he met Ijeoma. Ijeoma became his latest
mistress, but he decided to marry her. Bree was in secondary school when her
father married his second wife.
She watched all the turmoil, tears and pain of her mother,
and the disregard and nonchalance from her father. Emeka stopped spending time
at home anymore. He practically moved in with his second wife in the new house
he bought for her.
You see, God had
destined for Bree to be a great lawyer, a judge, and give birth to a president,
among other things. The kingdom of God was going to do a lot with Bree.
Bree graduated
from secondary school. She got a scholarship to study Law in the UK, and all
she needed was her father’s consent, because she was sixteen years old. In the
cultural setting, it was his consent that was needed.
Bree told her
father about the scholarship. Emeka mentioned Bree’s scholarship to his loving
new wife, Ijeoma, and Ijeoma advised her darling husband to say no. What is
Bree going to the UK to do? Let her study Law in Nigeria.
It was settled. Emeka was bold enough to inform his daughter
Bree that his well-educated wife, who knows all things, believes Nigeria would
be best. She can travel abroad later for her master's. Bree never got to study
law in Nigeria. Her admission was either denied by the catchment area issue or
mysteriously went from admitted to law to some other course.
How do you think
Bree would feel about her father, who used to be her hero, and the kids that
would spring forth from Ijeoma, and men in general as an adult in the future?
How do you think she would feel about her mother for marrying a man like Emeka?
Jane and
Theophilus got married. When they were dating, Theophilus realized that Jane
would tell what he called white lies once in a while. He also noticed that she
was very petty and vengeful, but he loved her too much. Those things weren’t a
problem for him.
They were not
rich, but comfortable. They had two children, a boy and a girl. Their son,
Michael, had been destined by God to become the biggest football player to ever
come out of Africa. It had been written down, the season when the start of his
greatness would begin.
Michael started playing football from the age of two, after
watching it on TV. His little stubby legs would run and fall with the tiny
tennis ball he had found in the house.
By the age of
fifteen, Michael was handsome, a great footballer, liked by all, and voted the
most likely to succeed during his secondary school graduation.
As destined, a
foreign agent scouted him, and he was to travel to Milan to start his
international football career. He had played for the under-17 national team,
and Michael was all anyone could talk about, and that was no surprise.
A few days before
leaving the country, Michael had his visa, passport, bags, and everything he
needed ready. Michael had seen his mother take money out of his father’s wallet.
When Theophilus asked about his missing money, without thinking twice, Michael
told him he had seen Mummy take it. Jane denied taking her husband’s money and
called Michael a liar who wanted to shame her.
The matter died down, but Jane was pissed and decided to
teach Michael a lesson: “I am his mother. I brought him into this world, and I
can take him out of it if I want to.”
She took his
travel documents and burned them all. Michael cried like a newborn baby. He
almost raised his hand to hit his mother, “Oh, you want to hit me?” Jane
thundered.
She wanted him
to be dealt with some more; she paid some boys to beat him up. In the process
of beating him, the boys broke his left leg, his wonder leg.
Jane, his mother,
was not remorseful, “Who does he think he is? Next time, he should know I am
his mother and give me my full respect.”
It took time for
Michael’s leg to heal. The international career opportunity never came again.
Michael was stuck playing for local leagues and never made it big. In the end,
he stopped playing football and became a bus driver.
How do you think
Michael feels towards his father for his choice of a wife, and towards all
women, thanks to his mother?
The truth is
that the bad character you saw in that man, that woman before you chose to
marry them, your kids would be the ones to receive the psychological, emotional,
and physical impact of it all. Imagine how Osinachi, the gospel musician’s kids,
feel about the father they got, who ended up murdering their mother? He might
have been a good father to them, but was that enough? Are they not scarred from
his being a bad husband to their mother?
Well, as no
human is perfect, no parent is perfect. As children, one loves their parents,
then as you grow older, their flaws, bad choices, good choices, mistakes, and strengths
become as clear as day. Corrupt politicians, murderers, bad policemen,
embezzlers, and co, are all fathers and mothers, and will be good to their
kids, but is that enough?
If you are an
adult now, and you were impacted by the flaws in your parents, or a parent, it
is hard, but forgiveness sets you free, not them. It sets you free from the
past, the grudges, the bitterness, unforgiveness, and resentment.
What they did wasn’t right, but they are human, and parents,
thus an imperfect perfect parent.
Please forgive them, forgive the parents who
chose to marry them, and learn from their mistakes, so your kids can have a
better parent than yours was to you. I believe that’s the best thing. Make the
choice your parent never made, and be the parent that your parent failed to be
to you for your kids.
Forgiveness does not always mean access.
Just like every
other class or degree, parenthood needs to be studied and prayed about. So, you
don’t help the devil destroy the lives of the children or the child that God
decides to come through you. Being a great parent does not mean saying yes to
everything they ask for, that would lead to breeding entitled kids who don’t
know how to take no for an answer, and don’t know that actions bring
consequences.
In the end,
there’s really no perfect manual for parenting, but I believe one can go into
it with intention and be led by God too. Yes, I’m one of those Christians.
Hehehe!
Unfortunately,
humans cannot choose their birth parents, but you see your life partner, and
the person you decide to make a baby with, that humans can choose. Also,
consider your kids whilst choosing.
I might just make
a part two of this parenting video, because don’t get me started on some of the
kids today.
Thank you so much
for listening to, what my Heart Learnt with moi, Frances Okeke. I hope you
learnt a thing or two, I know I did.
What are your thoughts.
