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Friday, December 30, 2016

KEEP IT OFF SOCIAL MEDIA

Friday, December 23, 2016

Thursday, December 8, 2016

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Friday, November 11, 2016

DO NOT GO TO A MAN'S CAVE

Is it advisable to go to a male's house be he a friend, a family friend, uncle and what not if you're a female?
Watch the video below as I share my imperfect thoughts on it.





Friday, November 4, 2016

THEY CALL ME NAMES

Friday, October 28, 2016

Saturday, August 13, 2016

JESUS' LETTER TO THE NIGERIAN CHURCH



I woke up thinking about it ‘If Jesus were to write a letter to the church in Nigeria what would he say?’ So here goes the letter;

                                                                                                      Christ’s kingdom way,
                                                                                                                    Heaven.

Dear Church,

  My spirit cries with what I see. I came to magnify the old laws and change some. I am a Jew. I see a religion formed in my name but it doesn’t keep my ways. Why are you divided, there are so many denominations? I see you using the memoirs of my time on earth for your personal gain. You distort them. My words are being used to lie and deceive.
   Why do some churches say only their members will see my kingdom? Why do you ask your members to marry only each other? Why is there discrimination amongst you, your Christian brothers and other religions? Every man was made in my image. In my time, I ate with and welcomed foreigners, gentiles, Samaritans though I was a Jew.
Why is there murder amongst you? You do not keep the old commandments by my father or the new.

Saturday, June 11, 2016

WAS HE RIGHT?

   I saw this in a group I belong to. It was said that American Comedian George Carlin was the author but i just had to Google it to know if it was a book so I could buy and read. I found out that yes it was from a book but it was written by  a pastor, Dr Bob Moorehead, former in his book Words Aptly Spoken, published in 1995. This essay is titled ‘ The Paradox of our Age”. Irrespective of the scandal that followed him later, well that's none of my business. Please read his words below and see if he was right or wrong.

"We have taller buildings but shorter tempers; wider freeways but narrower viewpoints; we spend more but have less; we buy more but enjoy it less; we have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, yet less time; we have more degrees but less sense; more knowledge but less judgment; more experts, yet more problems; we have more gadgets but less satisfaction; more medicine, yet less wellness; we take more vitamins but see fewer results. We drink too much; smoke too much; spend too recklessly; laugh too little; drive too fast; get too angry quickly; stay up too late; get up too tired; read too seldom; watch TV too much and

Friday, May 27, 2016

THE MIND READERS CLUB

  You might often hear people in relationships say,

‘How could he get me this perfume? He is my boyfriend. He should know what I like.’
‘Why would she make me pasta, she should know better?’
‘I don’t think he loves me. If he does, why doesn’t he know what I like?’
‘She doesn’t know my favourite colour. I know all the things she likes.’
‘He doesn’t know what to get me for my birthday. He wants me to tell him what to buy for me. He is my man, he should know.’
‘I drink coffee but she got me tea.’
‘She couldn’t tell I was not happy.’
‘He should know I just want to be held.’
‘Couldn’t he tell I had a bad day at work?’
‘She should know how I feel.’

  It goes on and on and on. In most relationships, we have the talker and we have the listener. One partner keeps

Friday, May 20, 2016

THE NEED TO BELONG



  Have you ever wondered why you need friends? Why you keep trying to make people like you? Why you keep searching for love even after your heart has been smashed into pieces? Have you asked yourself why you hang on to that friendship even when it’s detrimental to your health? Why you worry about the clothes you wear, the way you speak, the amount of money you have, the cars you ride, the places you go to, the job you do? Have you sat down and wondered why you care so much about what your friends, co-workers and even mere strangers say and think about you? Have you wondered why you deemed it fitting to belong to a religious inclination and go as far as to join a society in your religious group? Do you ever remember wondering how to make friends and make people like you when you were a kid or a teenager? Do you remember, taking that stick of cigarette and holding it to your lips and dragging in as your mates looked at you? Do you remember sneaking out at night to attend that party that everyone was talking about? Do you remember wearing your uniform in a certain way like

Friday, May 13, 2016

ARE YOU GUILTY OF THIS?


I was reading a Joyce Meyer book titled ‘THE SECRET TO TRUE HAPPINESS’ and something she said  resonated deeply within me and so I decided to share.

“Where personal interactions are concerned, the prevailing message of our day seems to go something like this:
 “ If you suit me perfectly; if you never make mistakes; If you always treat me right; if you do everything just the way I want you to, then I will applaud you and receive you into my life. I will like you, love you and accept you. But if you make mistakes, even if I let you stay in my life, the very least I will do is let you know you made a mistake, because I certainly wouldn’t want you to think you’re getting away with anything. I cannot let anything slide without giving you a warning or, at the very least, a little dose of rejection because if I let anything slide you might think you can just do it again and again”.
The problem with the attitude I just described is it’s

Friday, May 6, 2016

WHO DEFINES PERFECTION?


    We look for it everywhere. In our lives, in others. We look for it in our jobs, our parents, our children, our spouses, and our academic lives and in our relationships. It is the one thing that makes us equals, that search for perfection. The question I ask is; Is there really anything like perfection? We want a perfect job but can we have that alone and be satisfied? If we get it, that is when we realise that there is another part of our lives that needs tweaking up. A perfect life is the one thing that we are always in search of. We are never satisfied with what we have. We want more and better. No one is perfect, though some people seem to think they are and tend to judge others for not living up to their idea of perfection.
    So, what is perfection? Who sets the standard and says what is perfect or not? What and who defines a perfect relationship, a perfect

Thursday, April 21, 2016

LOVE IS NOT A FEELING


Ever heard that sentence ‘Everything was so perfect in the beginning.’?
  In the beginning everything is very rosy. You meet this person and stars erupt, this person becomes a mystery. The way they smile, laugh, tilt their hair is very exciting to you. You get butterflies in your tummy and when they hold your hand, the chemistry is amazing. You go on days, hang outs and it’s all pretty amazing. You wish it will never end. Something is wrong here that you will hate later, in this few weeks of euphoria you call love which is just the in love state you haven’t noticed certain characters about this person. You see it but your euphoria covers it up.
  Few months into the relationship, the real character which by the way was never hidden from you but you only needed time to see starts showing up.  Now you

Friday, April 15, 2016

YOU ARE NOT WORTH IT


    I was with a friend who uttered the words ‘Frances, nobody is worth it.’ I looked at this my friend that I had tried to show ‘you are loved and worth it ‘on various occasions as the flawed being that I was and my spirit was silent. What I really heard from those words was ‘Frances, I am not worth it.’
    If you think no one is worth it then you’re indirectly trying to say that you don’t think you are worth it. I felt sadness and pity for my friend. That’s a dangerous way to live. My friend like many other people right from childhood had been unlucky with love and guys. Yes, we all fail at one thing or the other over and over but it’s how you let it handle you that matters. How could my friend let the devil win? Was all I could think.  You’ve been battered and bruised; your heart stomped on over and over so that makes you

Friday, April 8, 2016

IN WHOM DO YOU TRUST?

Trust is a very important word to all humans.  According to my Britannica, TRUST is;

1 a: assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something b: one in which confidence is placed.

  Most humans spend their whole lives searching for someone they can trust be it a life partner, business partner, friends etc. We all look for someone we can be ourselves with, share our dirtiest secrets and all and know that it’s safe with them and that they’d still want us after knowing our deepest secrets.

  Asides keeping secrets,

Friday, March 25, 2016

FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN


           We all go through this stage at one time or the other in life. It is that gnawing sensation at the pit of your belly ,that fast heartbeat brought about by uncertainty, that sweaty palm when you ponder your future, that terrible headache that won’t let you go when you have a life changing decision to make. We all react in different ways to it.
  You cannot say you have never gone through it. Remember that first day at school? Mum said go on and you looked back and realised she was leaving you; you were so scared you started crying because of the fear of the unknown. It was a new environment for you, you did not know anybody and you asked yourself questions; will my teachers like me? Will I make good grades? Will my classmates like me? Will I have friends? How do I settle in?
  You have a great job but you do not like it, it is not your dream job, you decide to give it up to follow your heart.

Saturday, February 27, 2016

TRUTHS AND LIES

  Truths and lies, two siblings that follow each other around. There is a very thin line between them. You can easily move from the truth corner into the lie zone.
  We tell lies for different reason, to gain recognition, respect, feel important, and hide secrets, selfishness.
  So, what situation calls for the truth and what calls for the lie?
  Funmi and Peter had been going out for a year, things were going smoothly, and they had a little quarrel and broke up. Funmi knew something he didn’t and she was debating between telling him the truth or telling him the lie, so she told him the truth and he broke up with her.  A year before Funmi met him; she had followed a friend to her church. A prophet in that church had told her she was going to meet her husband very soon and gave her things to identify him with. Alas, it turned out to be Peter, exactly as he was described.

Friday, February 26, 2016

CHOICES

 “Choice” I don’t know why I picked that word today, maybe cause I overheard someone say yesterday, ‘I didn’t have a choice.’ I hear that a lot, that’s the easiest excuse we give ourselves but there is always a choice. In every situation there is always a choice not just one but two or more. We take the easy one and say, I didn’t have a choice. Ok, let me give a little example or rather many.
  Ebele had a boyfriend, Reggie. They were engaged and set to marry in a week. She had gone to his place and his phone rang repeatedly while he was in the shower, she felt it was urgent; she picked the call and told the caller he was in the shower. Few minutes later, he got out, found out she touched his phone and gave her the beating of her life. Long story short, they got married as arranged. Now a married woman, bearing the ‘MRS’, Ebele always has marks and bruises plus dark eyeshades are now her best friends.  When asked why she married him, she said she didn’t have a choice. Ok, what about now? She still doesn’t have a choice and that he loves her very much that’s why.
  They both had choices. Ebele had two choices;

Friday, February 12, 2016

THE VALENTINE DAY SCAM


  When I was a little girl, one question always boggled my mind whenever Valentine’s Day approached; ‘Who is this Valentine?’ I never got the answer until I went to a missionary school for my higher education and ran into a gorgeous book titled ‘The book of Saints’ in our Vice Principal’s office. I felt like a fat kid in a candy shop. My little mind and fingers scoured the pages and found him. (I searched for my patron saint first though. Lots of St. Frances) There’s more than a Saint Valentine. The church doesn’t really have much info on them but they all died (martyred) on February 14.
  There were three of them; One was a missionary in Africa, the second a bishop in now, Terni, Italy and the last a priest in Rome.  The second and the third are

Saturday, February 6, 2016

THE LOVE CALCULATOR


   Relationships are sometimes pretty hard between two people. There will always be disagreements and misunderstandings but one thing about all that is, it can break or make the relationship. You either break up or you make up and are stronger from it. Yes, most times we battle the fear of the unknown that comes with being in a relationship, the uncertainty especially because of past experiences and things heard or seen from the environment. Not knowing where a relationship is headed can be nerve wracking. No one wants their time and emotions to be wasted. No one wants to be taken advantage of. Sometimes cause of it people tend not to give their all or they just clam up with the notion that if anything happens then they won’t feel utterly terrible.
   Once in a while we expect our relationships to turn out the way the movies, magazines, novels say they should. We expect it to follow a certain pattern and also expect our partners to do what everyone else would do. E.g. ‘it’s Valentine’s Day so you should get me a gift, take me out to a candle lit dinner and spend time with me no matter what.’ If it doesn’t go that way, does it mean your partner doesn’t love you or care about you? Well, men are from mars and women are from Venus. Men tend not to reason that way or see anything special about it but the media has made it that way and most wanting to keep the Lady happy, do what is expected for that day. What then happens to the certain few that do not conform to this? Simple, the ladies keep parting ways with them. 
   Which brings me to a point,’compromise and sacrifice’. Sometimes, they are necessary in a relationship. It is a very important tool. You know your spouse likes the whole Valentine razzmatazz but you personally don’t care about it but you still go out of your way and make that extra effort to keep them happy.  Vice versa, you know your hubby sees Valentine as nothing, he may even forget it. In the end he does as expected but you, Valentine lover as you are try to understand and reason as per his character and you don’t break up. You reason it doesn’t mean he has no love for you, he shows it on every other day. You try not to expect your relationship to be like another that her hubby bought her an Aston Martin for Valentine. You see there is compromise and sacrifice on both ends if they decide to. It’s a hard thing to do but it keeps things going.
   Let’s look at it his way, Valentine’s Day wasn’t originally made for lovers but the media and corporate bodies have built a multibillion dollar network on it. They have made huge sums from painting an image of love that has to do with gifts. If you don’t buy gifts for your partner then you don’t love them. Valentine’s Day is a day to measure the love your partner has for you depending on what kind of gift they buy for you. If they love you they’d do so and so. It’s become commercialized but hey what lady doesn’t like romance and gifts? Even, the toughest lady wants it, to feel that craze that Valentine’s Day has to offer.  We have been trained right from the days of reading ‘Mills and Boons’ that romance is to be expected. This is what it should be, so we buy the Valentine Day story, so if you want to keep and make us happy, go out of your way to do it. Romance has been defined in various forms by the media; A box of chocolates, Flowers especially red roses, a candle lit dinner and not just any dinner, expensive gifts, then a night of lovemaking but don’t forget to spread rose petals on the bed and light up scented candles. Is that now the definition of love? If you don’t get the above on that day then your spouse doesn’t love you. Most men now push all that down to just Valentine’s Day. Shouldn’t it be everyday or when you feel like? Should your gift giving be now restricted to only Valentine’s Day, Christmas and birthdays?
   This takes me briefly to another thought, ‘comparison’. We begin to compare our relationships to that of others. Well, not just to theirs but to what is expected.
’ If he doesn’t do it like Femi did for Titi then it means he doesn’t love me’.
 ‘If he did he would go out of his way to make the day special for me.’ 
‘Valentine’s day, he is meant to take me out and spend time with me, get me a gift.’ 
Guys should take note here, in most cases this leads to a break up, don’t forget about sacrifices. Women love romance. Ok, I have another thought. ‘that Femi did all that for Titi does it mean he really loves and cares about her and doesn’t have a lady elsewhere or that they will stay together forever?’ No it doesn’t! It’s been proven that most women get fooled on Valentine’s Day. Smart guys use the whole romance razzmatazz to create a notion of true love. If he wants to get her, Valentine’s Day is perfect; all he has to do is put on a little show. I’m not a love cynic but it’s the truth. It’s just done because it is what is expected or people expect something. Thanks to the false interpretation of love on Valentine’s Day the case of young unmarried teenage pregnancies goes up after this period. It’s said that women go by what they hear but on this day, actions have to speak louder than words so buckle up. Failure to do this,
   Brings in the third parties, friends who help in defining what you just did or didn’t do. Believe me a break up is eminent because if you did nothing or little  then you don’t love her, don’t care about her, take her for granted, she means little to you and God forgive you if you are not in town even if it’s for a genuine reason, she is the side ho. You travelled to be with the number one. Well, instead of talking to friends about it, why not just tell the dude what Valentine’s Day means to you, even the dumbest guy or one who doesn’t give a hoot about the day would go out of his way to make it up to youI don't mean nag about it or complain and sing it all day. Drop hints or say it out straight once. They’d know how you feel about it but hey, what do i know? Yes, people are meant to know like duh, it’s THE DAY, the news about it is everywhere, and sadly some people need to be told. Yes, I said the impossible, actually saying how you feel about it to your partner but that’s communication or isn’t it.
   Finally, your friends aren’t in the relationship with you. Don’t let one day be the judge of your love for each other. I am not asking you to make excuses or make yourself unhappy. You should sit down and check not the things that your partner has said to you and how they said it but their actions. Actions show love. Their actions excluding that day they didn’t live up to and what it shows you. What’s important is how they make you feel by the way they treat you. Besides, you should know your partner better so ask yourself what he/she is really like. How does he/she treat you? And then if you know what they like, going out of your way to do it, would make your partner appreciate you more. If they have a tendency to forget, find out if you can deal with the tendency or not or if forgetting that day ruins every good deed done. Say how you feel. Yes, it does hurt. We all are scared of being too understanding and being fooled and taken for a ride. Everyone shares that fear both, men and women alike.  But, hey, everything is a risk or better put an experiment and no one prays for either to fail, so, Que sera sera. It can go any way so if it’s on the end it side, let it be the right reason, should Valentine’s Day be your love calculator?
  Yeah Valentine's day is next Saturday but seeing this old article you're reading got me thinking again. Don't wait till Valentine's day to show someone you love them. Life is a gift that can be taken away in any moment. Live it. 
  Cheers! Love yourself first and every other thing shall be added unto you. *wink* .
Love, Frances. 

P.S: These are my thoughts on it not a rule You mustn't agree. I don't know it all.
Happy St Valentine's day in advance!
 http://youtu.be/GCHxMX9WaNc

                                                            

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

VIRGINS OR NON-VIRGINS ,WHO'LL MAKE HEAVEN?


  Before I commence let me state that for the purposes of this article a Virgin is not just a girl as many have dashed the importance or duty of being a virgin to the female human. A virgin is a boy or a girl. Both males and females came into this world as virgins. Well, if you’re in the group that doesn’t understand how a male can be a virgin let me clarify a bit more.
   A virgin means you’ve had no carnal knowledge or pleasure i.e. you’ve never had sex in any of its forms most especially penetrative sex. You will agree that a boy comes into this world pure as does a girl.
  
   Religion and culture for centuries has made it a thing of pride and necessity that purity or abstinence from sex be adhered to. Sadly, it’s been left to the females because their bodies have a proof in the hymen to show that they’re virgins. It’s put pressure on females over the years. The males get away with it because there’s nothing to show it in their bodies. I’m guessing this is one of the things that led to the one sided notion that only females are virgins and should be virgins. I’m speaking from the cultural perspective now. Being a virgin has been considered a thing of pride for generations by females. You even hear them say ‘Every man wants a virgin’. The voice in my head is crying ‘Why shouldn’t females demand the same from the males?’ (Every woman should want a virgin and hold the men to the same expectation they’ve been given.)

    You see the males popping cherries, having sex and sowing their wild oats before they finally decide to settle down with a female in marriage, sad to note that this marriage takes place in a religious setting i.e. the two dominant religions; Christianity and Islam.
  Let it be noted that these two religions preach purity. I’ll stress more on the Christian religion that I’m conversant with. It’s stated clearly in the Bible which is the word of God Yes, Fornication is listed as one of the don’ts. Paul the Apostle also said fornication is a sin against the body and CHristians should run from fornication as it is a sin against self and God. Fornication is sex between unmarried persons, two people not married to each other, even self pleasing i.e. masturbation is fornication. It takes two to tango; boy and girl. It never said an unmarried girl shall not fornicate. So, what’s up with the double standards everywhere? Even religious heads in some churches forget to remind their congregation that being a virgin and not fornicating was meant for both sexes. A school of thought will argue that the term ‘fornication’ does not mean sex before marriage, true. Ok, Sex was made by God for married couples, two become one is for married people. Married people married to each other o and not adulterers. Here, I’m talking about unmarried people having sex and not the various branches of fornication.

   Sadly, the choice of not staying a virgin was taken away from most boys (Topic for another day) when they were children without their consent by female teachers, aunts, maids through acts of rape and molestation though they never admit it was rape. Some ladies as we all know and admit lost theirs by rape. For the purpose of this article I’m addressing sex as penetrative sex alone. (Well, to me the sixth commandment covers all offences against the virtue of chastity. )
There’s been a silent and sometimes verbal feud between virgins and non-virgins.

   Most virgins carry on like they’re the holiest of beings. They act like they should be revered and worshipped because they’re virgins. The simple fact of them being a virgin automatically makes them special and a good person. They judge others that aren’t. They think God will keep a place in heaven for them because they are.
    
   Most non-virgins avoid virgins like the plague. They rub it in the virgins’ faces that they’re weirdos and nerds that never had the opportunity to lose it. They also tell them that no one deemed them worthy enough to touch them sexually. They’ve even gone on to call virgins relics of a lost age, accusing them of following a tradition that enslaves and belittles women. They sing that what a man can do, a woman can do better and should enjoy it too. Deep down some are envious that they’re not.
  Most forget that yeah, it was taken from you or you’ve had sex, you can pray to God, ask forgiveness and decide to abstain from fornication and become chaste.
  
   There’s something virgins and non-virgins have in common. They say they love God or Allah and their religions mean the world to them. They show it by belonging in various units in their churches and mosques. They attend services in Church and Mosque religiously. That’s all good and great. If you love God, why don’t you show you love him in the real sense of the word by keeping his laws and making him happy? Is it an eye service love you present to people who’re watching?
   
   If you’re not a virgin and you claim you love God but the night or the morning before service be you a boy or a girl, you bang the brains out of your partner or you masturbate and show that dildo and that new lubricant what you’re made of alone in your room. You show all your bedmatics styles to another human and sing in pleasure and still have the guts and feel alright to walk into God’s place of worship and sit down. You even go ahead to sit down beside said partner in God’s house. You ask for forgiveness and that same day after service you bang your partner’s brain out or run the dildo battery down or jerk off as you watch porno and you’re ok with it and still claim you love God and go about singing you love God, it’s your prerogative really. Jisike! It’s between you and He that see all.

   You’re a virgin, be you boy or girl and you also claim you love God. You say you’re keeping your virginity till you get married because you want to keep God’s word, that’s great. You’re a virgin yet, you tell lies more than a merchant. You are the gossip mistress in your unit and enjoy peddling rumours about other people. You covet and eye and envy your friend’s good fortune, you even go as far as bearing false witness against another. You even stole your room mate or friends piece of clothing and wore it to church. You look at another who’s not a virgin and judge; it’s also your prerogative. Your tribalism is high and you dislike others from a different church and religion. You do this and liver gree you enter church, it’s between you and God.

   You love God and want to enter heaven yet you say you’re a man so you need to have sex whilst not married. You say sex is great and you keep having it whilst not married. You know what you’re doing is wrong; you just tell yourself ‘God will forgive me.’ You ask for forgiveness and go right back to it. You even console yourself with the excuse that you belong to a unit in church and are working for God in God’s house. You truly love God. Methinks God would appreciate you love him in all entirety, in the real sense of it.
  It gets me thinking that if we claim we love God and still hurt him, how then can we love a human being truly? That the world has changed ,does it mean God and his laws clearly stated in the bible have?

   In the end, he without sin should really cast the first stone. Yes, even in that statement there’s a disparity, you don’t know what you’re doing is a sin or you know it is a sin but keep doing it. To be sincere what person above the age twelve doesn’t know left from right, right from wrong? Well, Everything’s between us and our maker as we stay cognizant of the truth that death can come at any time when we least expect it.
Who do you think will make heaven between the two?

 P.S: As all articles on this blog are, these are my thoughts and observations on the matter. 

Friday, January 1, 2016

HAVE A SUGABELLY YEAR


  Chioma (not real name) is one of the toughest people I know. She’s successful, principled, opinionated and from a happy home. Sometimes when I visit their family home when she’s there, I marvel at the closeness and love between her parents. She’s in her early thirties now and I want to be her when I grow up or so I thought. There’s this dude, Nonso (not real name) I’ve met a couple of times at her place. They look good together. He’s successful too. He’s in the papers every now and then, won a bunch of awards and loved by everyone that comes across him, he’s a natural charmer. Nope, he didn’t charm me.
   I met chioma two years ago when she was 30 and a virgin. Anyways, one day a couple of months after our initial meeting, I was in her area and I decided to pay her a surprise visit. (I never arrive unannounced at people’s places. I knew she was home.) I arrive at her place and it takes her a while to open the door. She had a huge shiner on her face. She dragged me in and locked the door fast behind me, she was scared. I asked her what was going on and that’s when she opened up.
  She met Nonso a year before me via a mutual friend and they got on like a house on fire. It was easy to talk to him. He was such a gentleman. They even had same interests in art and other things. It felt great to finally meet a guy that understood her and she could be herself with. She told him she was a virgin and he applauded her resolve to wait. She thought the universe had finally sent her a good man. She trusted him. Well, she’d been to his place a couple of times and they’d made out sans clothing.
  One night, they got down to heavy foreplay. Before the foreplay they’d had a discussion where she’d asked what they were doing and Nonso had said He wasn’t prepared for a relationship and begged if they could please take things slow. She said when they started kissing, she wasn’t worried because she felt safe with him, and he was like her best-friend. Fast-forward minutes later, she’s on her belly and he’s behind her, next, he’s on top of her, flat. He said he just wanted to lie on top of her, that he wasn’t going to go in. She said, she tried to move and realised she couldn’t move, his body held her in place and she tells him, ‘Nonso, hope you’re not going in? Don’t make any mistake and enter o.’ and he says again, ‘No, I’m not going in.’ Two seconds didn’t pass and she felt him sliding home. She said she pushed him off her body with all the strength in her being. She was shocked and angry, she’d raised her voice and he’d begged her that it was a mistake. That he’d felt her no was a yes. That he didn’t believe she was a virgin. She cried through the night and he’d held her as she cried still apologizing.
  Anyways years later, they were still where they were though amidst silence and periods of her keeping away from him. She told me she was in love with him and he’d said he loved her too but they weren’t in a relationship. They’ve still not had sex. She tries to go, he draws her back. Well, he insults her sometimes, calls her a whore, tells her she begs for sex everyday and that he has text messages where she begged for it and pictures of her, Sometimes, he’d hit her but still no sex but he did with other girls.
  I sat there and took a good look at this beautiful strong woman. Next time I saw him I felt like breaking a bottle over his head. Well, since that day till last year I kept trying to make her see that he’d planned to rape her. Yes, you’d say he lost control but why put her in a position where she couldn’t move at all? Why go in less than two seconds after he’d assured her he’d not? What if she hadn’t been able to push him from her belly on the bed position? She still couldn’t leave a man that wasn’t offering her anything.
  Well, the Sugabelly story broke out and I sent her Lotanna’s blog link and she read and told me it felt like she was reading her own story.

  There’s this other girl I met during my University days, Ralia (not real name). Her’s was different. One night, she’d left her room door open and slept off. (She always yabbed me for always locking my door like a bank vault.) She woke and felt this dude on top her. Her room door was locked; he had his hand clamped over a mouth. He raped her. She wasn’t a virgin. Anyways, dude goes, ‘I’m really sorry. I don’t know what came over me. You’re really beautiful and I have strong feelings for you.’ something along those lines if I remember correctly. Well, that very night, immediately after his profession of love, cultists stormed the hostel and this dude (I think he’s one of them o), protected her.  That’s how she wouldn’t leave this guy alone. I tried talking sense but she stayed with him until recently. The way she defends this dude ehn, she for slap me one day. If you know how many years ago I left Uni, your eyes will pop at how long she’s been with him.

  These two stories sound too weird to be real. WHO STAYS FRIENDS WITH OR LOVES THEIR RAPIST OR SOMEONE WHO’S HURT THEM?
 The human mind is bigger, stronger and easily worked on than most people can comprehend. Even the strongest of persons fall prey to their own minds in situations they would never have let themselves stay in; they even advise others against it. The situation can be physical and other forms.
  Something similar had happened in both stories. The human mind has its own coping and survival mechanism. These two ladies were not visibly vulnerable nor were they mentally disturbed or weak characters. Their minds had found a way to cope with an event that had jarred it.
  In Chioma’s case, the jarring event was his betrayal of trust and pushing himself in. Let me try and explain. She’d been groomed by him without even knowing it. He’d planted himself in a certain way in her mind; dependable, trustworthy, best friend etc. And then he decided to break her hence the rape that didn’t proceed as it should then he restores himself in her mind by holding her close through the night as she cried. Her mind stayed stuck in the Nonso of before that night and she refused to see the truth that she was a victim of rape. Her psychology of being a strong woman and waiting years for the right guy couldn’t let her see herself as a victim or weak, which was why she could stay in contact with him, even think herself in love with him, kiss him and take all the shit he gave her.  Her mind kept trying to reboot to find the Nonso she knew and kept seeing that and glimpses of him. Kept obeying him to get back to where they were before the event. Have I lost you? He groomed her and after the event, she developed a Stockholm syndrome for and towards her captor if I could use that. It’s all a mind game.
  In Ralia’s case. The event had come first, her mind’s equilibrium was broken and he mended it by an act of mercy after breaking her. He’d protected her. He’d even gone on that night as the cultists ransacked the hostel to tell her about his life. He’d added a feeling of familiarity, bonding to his act of mercy. So her mind went with ‘He’s not a monster. He’s really great.’
  They both couldn’t move until they went back to that event and reset their minds. Staying in touch with their captors was to keep telling themselves that ‘See, he’s a friend. He likes me. He’s a good person. Nothing went wrong. I’m not a victim etc.’
  Yep, everything is and can be controlled through the human mind. That’s how the media and the government control the people.
  Before you give the masochistic excuse of they are women and their minds are weak, ever wondered how military persons get captured by an enemy and they turn on their home country and support the cause of the enemy? Please, did you watch the series’ HOMELAND’? The season one to be precise, a military man who’d been captured returns to the US a hero and we get to see as the series progressed that he now saw the US, his own country as the enemy. He believed and fought for the cause of those who’d captured and tortured him, even made him kill a fellow military man. You could say he was brainwashed, yep, a Stockholm was done on him. You can tell yourself, ‘It’s just a series.’ Where do you think the idea came from? It’s happened in real life. Not once, not twice over the course of history. Now you know why people that stay in abusive relationships, stay and even defend their partners.

The dudes in my two stories, have you wondered why they stayed in touch with the ladies?
  It’s all a power game to them. The attention they’re getting, to have someone whose mind they’ve turned and placed at their feet, someone who thinks they’re great and needs them no matter what they do and say to them, to make sure the ladies stay in line. It’s a rush and there’s nothing like it so they never let them leave.  To keep the ladies in check, they never give the ladies much in order to keep them wanting. To work on them some more so they can never tell anyone. They break their victims down not only by physical events but sometimes with emotional and verbal events eat away at the self esteem or the put up principles or beliefs of their victims. If you sit down and begin to analyze people and their actions and why they do things, you’ll marvel. The dominators aren’t just men o and the victims aren’t just women. Both sexes apply. The dominators never leave proof behind, they cover their tracks and the victims in their moments of loving their captors never keep any proof. In the end when the victim realizes what had happened to them, there’s no proof, they sound stupid.
   There are sick, twisted, psychotic, psychopaths and sociopaths today. They look normal to the world ; successful, well groomed, charming, likeable etc but when they let their guard down and you really see them in an intimate , no walls up way ,you’ll run for cover.(that’s why I don’t buy or fawn over popular people and what people of our appearance generation show. Topic for another day). The most dangerous of people look normal, not just normal but they look perfect.
  
  I watched the whole Sugabelly saga proceed. Some people insulted her mom, some called Sugabelly names, some said it happened because she was seventeen and she wasn’t fully developed, others said she wanted it, a political bulldog. Some have even wondered why she kept going back to him, doing the things she did for him. Some have said it can’t be true that it must be a lie and she’s a schizophrenic or crazy girl that made it all up. Well, hope this helps you understand a little that her story is a possibility. The events she narrated could happen. It has nothing to do with age, family background, religion, gender, strength, vulnerability or naivety it’s your mind. Sometimes, in harsh situations that jar your psyche, your mind finds a way to cope with it. E.g., Nigerians and their attitude when they hear money has been looted by government officials or Government takes a decision that isn’t favourable. The minds of most Nigerians are in a Stockholm syndrome place. Other countries look at us and wonder ‘Why do they keep letting the same thing happen to them over and over and over? They’re like a horse tied to a chair.’
  Control or bend a person’s mind and you can do anything and make them do anything without them even knowing it. To people looking on from the outside, we can’t comprehend it and you have to be responsible for your actions even if you were the supposed victim but it’s a tiny event. I could go on and on, I’ll stop here.

What’s a Sugabelly year?
Lotanna’s mind has been freed. She’s addressed her event. She’s taken herself off autopilot and is driving her life now. (I’d like to believe that.)
  A Sugabelly year to me should be and is a year of new beginnings, shedding the shackles of the past finally, moving forward and embracing the present and future with happiness. It’s a year of promise, a year of action from a past of being on autopilot. It’s being heard after crying out to be heard for years. It’s a year of big dreams. It’s a beautiful year. A Sugabelly year is a year of hope.

Have a Sugabelly year!!!


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