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Friday, April 17, 2015

EGGS IN A BASKET

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   What do I mean by eggs in a basket? It does not mean when you carry actual chicken eggs and put them all in a basket. It is an idiom. They say, “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.' the reason is , if you drop that basket all your eggs would break at once. It’s one expression lots of people take to heart. It is used aptly these days in relationships. It is a case of uncertainty and insecurity if you ask me but it is also a case of being smart. I owe you a story, so here it is;
   Dupe is a banker with one of the new generation banks in Lagos. She meets Lekan, who is an insurance broker. They fall in love and start a serious courtship. 
   One day, 

Frances Okeke: EGGS IN A BASKET

Frances Okeke: EGGS IN A BASKET:    What do I mean by eggs in a basket? It does not mean when you carry actual chicken eggs and put them all in a basket. It is an idi...

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Frances Okeke: SEARCHING FOR JOHNNY 5 (fiction)

Frances Okeke: SEARCHING FOR JOHNNY 5 (fiction):    Blind dates are officially the worst.    Why did I let Kels drag me into going on this one? I don’t do blind dates, ever. Tessa, calm...

SEARCHING FOR JOHNNY 5 (fiction)

   Blind dates are officially the worst.
   Why did I let Kels drag me into going on this one? I don’t do blind dates, ever. Tessa, calm down. Just smile at him and pretend you’re interested.
   Did Kels, even look at this guy before setting me up with him? She knows the kind of guys I like. Yes, that I’m looking for my Johnny, husband, hubby, whatever, doesn’t mean I should be set up with this. My tastes haven’t changed. That I’ve decided to stick to a person doesn’t mean he should look like this. Oh, wait o, Tessa, is Kels trying to say that I have to settle, that only guys who look like this one will be willing to marry me.
   Hian!
   The restaurant is nice though, so is this yummy plate of Pasta Alfredo. Yum yummy yum! This man before me not yum, one bit. To think I wore my favourite LBD for this thing.
   I’m going to bitch slap Kels when next I see her. I’m sure she’s laughing her heart off. Wait, was Uzo in on this? I’ll kill them both. Who needs besties anyway?
   Tessa, smile again, so he’d think you’re listening; nod your head too in interest. Perfect! He bought it.
I should get the recipe of this pasta from the chef, it’s heavenly.
   I like men. Ok, I love men and that’s just for their basic equipment which my new dildo seems to be handling the job quite well. I don’t love all men that much I know. I like my men tall, well built and most importantly well hung. I’ve never really cared about the brain matter but I do now, if I’m going to be spending forever with one.  This man is a funny caricature of my perfect man; he’s short, round and ugly, I’m sure his little Johnny, penis, sausage, wiener; (lol) is as tiny as my little finger. To top it all off he’s a woman wrapper.
What does woman wrapper mean again sef? Not that he chases women, the opposite; he won’t just shut the fuck up about his ex. Jeez! Kels owes me big time.
   I come on a date to be the centre of attention and the guy; look at him, then take a slow good look at me (lol), who’s meant to be grateful to have been set up on a date with a gorgeous goddess like moi, has spent the past one hour of dinner talking about some girl, I don’t care to remember her name.
   Ok Tessa, give him another, I’m listening smile. What! No, no is he about to....this grown up man is crying. Na wa o! I wish I could disappear from here. People are beginning to stare. I will kill Kels! Tessa, touch his arm, say something, ok, do something. I’ve never seen grown men cry.
‘It’s ok.’ I patted his arm
‘No, it’s not!’ he’s crying harder.
   Mehn, this is not just it. The girl must have do am strong thing. Wait, wetin be his name again? He said it then...OC? Nope! OJ? Nope! Owu? Olu! That’s it.
‘Olu, I don’t think she deserves you.’
‘I’m the one that didn’t deserve her!’
   Chai! His cry have increase o. Tessa do something. I’m not Dr Phil, Oprah or some relationship expert. Which kain wahala be dis one? I’ve got it.
‘Olu, you’re a successful, good looking and honest man. You’re in touch with your feminine side. A lot of women will die to have a man like you.’
   I should win an Oscar or Join Nollywood. Tessa, idi good. His Niagara Falls is drying up.
‘Really?’
‘Yes! Who wouldn’t want a man like you?’
‘But Onyinye left me for him.’
‘That’s her loss.’
   I wouldn’t mind another plate of Pasta. Tessa focus! He just said something.
‘I’m serious Olu. Let’s bet it, she’ll come running back.’
   I hope this lie doesn’t haunt me. He’s shown me a picture of the man she left him for. If it were me, I will never come back to Humpty Dumpty (lol). Tessa Focus!
‘You really think so?’
   Thank God! His crying has stopped. Why would a man cry for a woman? Maybe her pussy was sweet. Or he never believed he could get that kinda girl. Or he’d spent so much on her. Or he’s just a woman in a man’s body. Wait o, why is he staring at me? Oh, my reply.
‘Yes. Do you know what I think? You should join a gym; build your confidence, so that next time she sees you, she’ll want to die with regret. ‘
   He’s smiling. Awwww!
‘Thank you, Theresa.’
‘You’re welcome. I have something to tell you but you didn’t hear it from me. Kelechi, our mutual friend, I think she likes you.’
‘She does?’
‘She always talks about a certain Olu, who is loving and caring that she likes but he was into some other girl.’
‘I like Kelechi and...
‘Remember, you didn’t hear it from me.’
   His face is lit with hope and purpose. Tessa, you are a miracle worker. This is better than bitch slapping Kels. (Lol)Oh my God! Well played, Tessa. Well played. This will teach her to set me on a date with a man-woman.  When did the waiter get here? Olu’s lips are moving. They are big o. Tessa, focus!

‘....do you care for?’
‘Care for?
‘I was asking if you’d like anything else.’
‘Yes, please. Another plate of this Pasta Alfredo and a ginger cocktail.’
   Olu smiles again. Well, it wasn’t a disaster after all, I feel good about myself. Thirty minutes and I’m out of here. What’s he saying again?
‘Can we be friends?’
‘Of course we can, Olu.’

   HELL NO! Where’s the waiter with the food?



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